Why We* Welcome the Return of Geordie Shore – TV Review

“Aa make Cupid look stupid.”

*The views and opinions expressed herein are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Mild Concern

Oh, Geordie Shore, how I have missed thee. He’s back, she’s back, that one who slept with the one that has a head like a pea is back, the one that fancies that other lady but also likes to “pie” club rats is back – it’s just so nice to see our favourite reality stars return to their newly refurbished scatty warehouse by Newcastle’s river Tyne where they live the dream of 24/7 binge drinking, fornication and arguments.

It’s always been a bit of a mystery to me that Big Brother failed its way into cancellation (let’s not acknowledge Channel 5’s renewal of the show) when Geordie Shore is the more appalling show by far and probably shouldn’t have made it past a first series. Though, Geordie Shore is essentially the same as BB – a group of absurd morons get to live together for a period of time where they defile themselves and each other – but with the skank levels turned up a notch. Maybe it is the lack of needy begging that Big Brother forced on its viewers that makes Geordie Shore the ‘better’ show; instead of all the theatrics it just gets on with its outrageous shenanigans without Davina McCall eternally nagging us!

As a refresher here’s the line-up of the best that the North (yes, only two of the cast are actually from Newcastle) has got to offer:

Jay/Pea-head – Jay is the main man. He was the male lead in this fairy-tale show last year as he fought for Vicky’s love and somehow attracted all the other ladies with his disproportionately sized head to his beefcake body. This year he’s taking things slowly and discovering who he really is with new girl, Rebecca.

Vicky – Vicky is the mum. The girl who takes care of her babies when someone messes with them but can be a loose cannon when it comes to her own knickers getting in a twist (metaphorically and literally speaking). Last year she was all about Jay, this year she’s got a boyfriend outside of the house but really can’t keep her eyes off the new boy, Ricci.

Gaz & Charlotte – The Romeo & Juliet of the twenty-first century if there ever was one. These two slept together one and a half times and have constantly bickered, sobbed and screamed like having sex was a lawful commitment of monogamy ever since. We should expect more of the same this year. Although in last week’s episode Charlotte left, there are no doubts that she’ll be back in the arms of the man she hates to love soon. Awwww.

James – James is just hilarious. So far he hasn’t “pied” any “birds” but by gum he’ll keep trying and then shed a few tears about his efforts anyway. This season the girls have speculated that he’s actually gay. Let’s see where that goes.

Holly – Holly left the house last year after being bullied too much for being from Middlesbrough but now she’s 18 and as desperate as ever. She likes to take her top off more times than you can sigh during an episode and this year her main priority is having sex with James since no one else wants her. Keep aiming high, Holly.

Rebecca & Ricci – These two new additions to the show are just wrong. One comes across as a bi-polar call girl and the other makes more rape innuendos than we should be humanely able to take without throwing a shoe at the telly. Sometimes I can’t tell which is which.

Sophie – I’ve saved the best for last because even though Sophie often looks like the bad apple of the bunch she’s actually the nice girl. Sophie is the audience; she just sits around watching everyone else destroy their image indignantly before giving us humorous talking heads, narrating the day’s events with one-liners that could keep a t-shirt company in business for years to come.

I often watch Geordie Shore wearing a monocle and top hat whilst swirling a glass of scotch but to be honest, we could all look better than the people in that house if we sat watching it in our underwear, messily scoffing a McDonald’s. Geordie Shore just confirms that we enjoy watching television/people who make us feel better about ourselves. I don’t even question how much of the show is pre-determined anymore, just so long as it keeps churning out classic trampy goodness. Here’s to an exciting second series!

Geordie Shore airs at 10pm, Tuesdays on MTV – you can catch up with all the essential Geordie news and clips on their website here.