Out Now – 9th March 2012

John Carter
Disney try their hand at making Avatar with the story of John Carter, a former soldier who must fight to save a princess on Mars, a planet populated by giant creatures.

The Raven
Fictional account of the final days of Edgar Allen Poe as he investigates a series of murders inspired by his writings. Considering that the synopsis includes the words “the final days”, I imagine things don’t end well for Poe.

Bel Ami
Essentially a fantasy come true for middle-aged Twilight fans as Robert Pattinson plays a young man in Paris rising to power by sleeping with a series of older women.

Sean Bean plays a “secret service agent faced with the task of pursuing and eliminating a suicide bomber and his terrorist cell”. Liam Neeson must have been busy.

The Decoy Bride (limited release)
David Tennant and Kelly Macdonald lower themselves with a mediocre romantic comedy involving a decoy bride, an accidental marriage and some dodgy accents.

Trishna (limited release)
Imagine Tess of the d’Urbervilles, a tragic tale of love, loss and betrayal (from what I remember of the ITV adaptation), set in India and directed by Michael Winterbottom. I’d be able to tell you what it was like if I was better disciplined and hadn’t gotten distracted by other things all week.

Payback Season (limited release)
“If the payment stops, the football stops…” Possibly the most obscure synopsis I’ve ever read. They lost me at “football”.

Ordet (limited release)
Two hour Danish film from 1955 exploring faith, prayer and miracles. Good luck.

Hard Boiled Sweets (limited release)
“No soft centres.” Looks like the synopsis for Payback Season has been beaten!

A Man’s Story (limited release)
Documentary about fashion designer Ozwald Boateng, whoever that is.