Out Now – 4th May 2012

Silent House
Indie cinema’s latest wunderkind Elizabeth Olsen stars in this haunted house horror. The story is told in real time and with no visible cuts, the action unfold in, what looks like, a single camera take. I am guaranteed to watch this from behind my hands. I can’t wait.

Safe
Jason Statham has outdone himself. This time he is playing an ex-cage fighter protecting a young girl who is being hunted by the Russian mafia, Triads and corrupt members of the NYPD. Good grief Statham, what next? Jason Statham as a retired Ninja Geisha on the run from Aslan the lion, the reincarnation of Hitler, and his own clone?

Angel & Tony (limited release)
A Frenchman teaches a beautiful young woman how to fish. And presumably she eats for a lifetime.

Hara-Kiri: Death of a Samurai (limited release)
“A tale of revenge, honor and disgrace” involving at least one Samurai. SPOILER ALERT: He dies.

Beauty and the Beast 3D (limited release)
Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, Beauty and the Beast in 3D. Ask me nicely and I’ll sing you this new version of the classic Disney tune. Just call me Mrs. Potts.

Juan of the Dead (limited release)
Imagine Shaun of the Dead with zombie Cubans instead of a naked Peter Serafinowicz. Can you get a Cornetto in Cuba?

Goodbye First Love (limited release)
A foreign romantic drama for all you love birds out there. I remember my first love, we were four and her dad drove a milk float. Where are you now Jennifer?

Two Years at Sea (limited release)
Documentary about Jake, a man who lives alone in the middle of the forest and avoids most human contact. Field trip anyone?

Le Quai des Brumes (limited release)
French re-release from the late 1930s in which “a military deserter finds love and trouble (and a small dog) in a smoky French port city”. I wonder whether the small dog was the love or the trouble?

Dinotasia (limited release)
DINOSAUR DOCUMENTARY!!!

Monsieur Lazhar (limited release)
Comedy drama about suicide and loss from the Frenchy end of Canada. A teacher commits suicide and their replacement must help the students deal with their grief. Sounds laugh a minute.

Piggy (limited release)
Violent British feature about grief, revenge, plot twists, and “over 90 uses of strong language and seven uses of very strong language, six of which are spoken and one of which occurs in the form of graffiti on a wall.”

Clone (London West End only)
I saw Clone back when it was called Womb in 2010 and it was beautiful if more than a little bizarre. Eva Green plays a woman who impregnates herself with the clone of her dead lover, Matt Smith, after he dies. Things do not go smoothly.