Out Now – 1st March 2013

Hansel and Gretel: Broken City

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
That sweet tale of two young children killing an elderly woman and eating her out of house and home (PUN INTENDED) has been revamped and the siblings have grown up into witch seeking bounty hunters. Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton play the titular duo in a film filled with bloody violence and some swears.

Broken City
A dumb and unsubtle political thriller starring a dumb and unsubtle Mark Wahlberg. A private investigator goes up against a corrupt mayor in a film with little to offer the audience.

Safe Haven
Another adaptation of a Nicholas Sparks novel. You know the type, an emotional drama with a poster featuring a couple just about to kiss. But will they kiss?!?!?! Yes, they will kiss. The two people kissing here are a young woman with a dark secret and a widower. Such sad souls, if only they had someone to almost kiss.

“In economics and finance, arbitrage is the practice of taking advantage of a price difference between two or more markets: striking a combination of matching deals that capitalize upon the imbalance, the profit being the difference between the market prices.” I may have read the wrong Wikipedia page…

Hi-so (limited release)
Thai drama in which a young man returns home from abroad and takes a role in a film by a famous director. During the filming his relationship turns sour and a new girl catches his eye. “A bittersweet tale of love, memories and belonging” which has two special screenings including a Q&A with the director (and free booze!), on 1st March at the Curzon Renoir and 2nd March at the Hackney Picturehouse.

The Gospel According to Matthew (limited re-release)
The BFI have gone and re-released a film again, this time a 1967 Italian drama about the life of Jesus Christ. I will not be watching.

Stoker (limited release)
Mia Wasikowska stars in this dark thriller as India, a young female person who becomes infatuated with her Uncle Charlie when he moves in with India and her mother after her father dies. This film is an 18 so prepare for sexual stuff. I don’t know how you prepare for sexual stuff. Don’t go with your gran?

The Attacks of 26/11 (limited release)
Hindi crime-thriller film based on the 2008 Mumbai attacks. If you don’t know what the 2008 Mumbai attacks were then shame on you. The 2008 Mumbai attacks were twelve coordinated shooting and bombing attacks across Mumbai, India’s largest city, by Islamist terrorists who were trained in and came from Pakistan. Apparently. Obviously.

Caesar Must Die (limited release)
Inmates at a high-security prison in Rome prepare for a public performance of Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar. SPOILER ALERT: Caesar gets shivved in the shower at the end.

The Bay (limited release)
Mockumentary horror made up of a series of stories following the outbreak of a plague-like parasitic disease in a small Maryland town.

Trashed (limited release)
Documentary following Jeremy Irons (yes, really) as he investigates the issue of global waste and visits destinations across the world that have been tainted by pollution.

Sleep Tight (limited release)
Spanish horror about an apartment concierge who is miserable and so tries to make all his tenants miserable as well. There is a chance my landlady has been using this technique for the past two years by failing to fix our boiler.