Out Now – 29th March 2013

G.I. Nemo

G.I. Joe: Retaliation
Hey those G.I. Joe fellas are back. Ah, remember that first film? Did you see it? I almost did because it had Joseph Gordon-Levitt as the baddie. This film doesn’t so I am even less likely to almost see it.

Danny Boyle directs a thriller set inside the mind of James McAvoy’s corrupt art auctioneer. The reviews are a mixed bag and Boyle filmed this while working on the Olympics so don’t be alarmed if Voldemort is defeated by Mary Poppins at the climax.

The Host
“When an unseen enemy threatens mankind by taking over their bodies and erasing their memories, Melanie will risk everything to protect the people she cares most about, proving that love can conquer all in a dangerous new world.” This is adapted from a novel by Stephenie Meyer of Twilight fame so is likely to be crap but incredible popular.

Finding Nemo 3D
A film you love back on the big screen! In 3D! Ah well, you still have the DVD.

12 in a Box (limited release)
A comedy that has been shelved for at least six years only getting a cinema release because an actress with a minor part has now become famous. The actress in question is Miranda Hart and all fans of hers are advised to stay away.

In the House (limited release)
French thriller starring Kristen Scott Thomas which seems to have the critics who were actually invited to see the film (ahem) quite excited.

Good Vibrations (limited release)
“A chronicle of Terri Hooley’s life, a record-store owner instrumental in developing Belfast’s punk-rock scene.” Mark Kermode is practically wetting himself over this film so we should all probably go and see it in the hope that he will be our friend.

Gelmeyen Bahar (limited release)

One Mile Away (limited release)
Documentary about gangs in Birmingham that I gave a mediocre three stars. I grew up near Birmingham. I was never in a gang and no one has ever made a documentary about me. Doesn’t seem fair somehow.

Point Blank (limited release)
Re-release of the 1960s crime drama about a mysterious man trying to reclaim the money that was stolen from him.

We Went to War (limited release)

King of the Travellers (limited release)
Low-budget drama about Irish travellers. No thanks.