Olympus Has Fallen
For Stephen’s sake I am going to be nice to Morgan Freeman this week. In this film about a White House under siege he plays the Speaker of the House of Representatives and I am sure he plays the best Speaker under siege of all time.
Remake of one of the most popular horror films of all time. With Diablo Cody giving the script a polish and Bruce Campbell himself producing this remake can’t be THAT bad and we rarely get this flavour of horror in cinemas any more. No found footage just body mutilation and creepy singing.
Hit and miss (but mostly hit) director Gus Van Sant directs Matt Damon as a natural gas salesman trying to buy drilling rights from a small town. I smell Matt Damon learning a life lesson while I giggle when everyone uses the word “fracking”.
Love Is All You Need (limited release)
A cancer survivor falls in love with a widowed Pierce Brosnan in Italy. The film’s original title was “Den skaldede frisør” which translates as “The bald hairdresser”. I can see why they changed it…
Rebellion (limited release)
While I have Google Translate open I can reveal that the original French title translates as “The order and morality” which is much less unpleasant. “Dissidents in a French colony attack a police station and take hostages.”
Fuck for Forest (limited release)
Ever watched people have sex (online, from the bushes, or at the village’s swingers club) and wished you could be saving the planet at the same time? You’re in luck! This documentary focussed on a Berlin charity which raises money by selling “erotic videos” online. Naturists and naturalists rejoice.
Me and You (limited release)
This is not a film about me and you, I am still writing that so bear with me. Instead we have an Italian drama about an introverted teenager who tells his parents he going on a ski trip, but instead spends his time alone in a basement. To continue the theme the original Italian title translates as “You and I” which just means Google Translate has excellent grammar.
Bait (Empire Leicester Square only)
“A freak tsunami traps shoppers at a coastal Australian supermarket inside the building – along with a 12-foot Great White Shark.” I genuinely want to see this. I am not ashamed.