Out Now – 12th July 2013

Monsters Rim

Pacific Rim
My gut reaction to any film about humans making giant robots to fight giant monsters that have emerged from the Pacific is to run in the opposite direction with my arms flailing as I emit a high-pitched scream. HOWEVER… I keep reading reviews which suggest that this film might actually be good but frankly I won’t believe it until I see it and I haven’t even been to see Emma Watson dance in slow motion yet.

Monsters University
Do you remember February 2002? Do you remember being thirteen and adorable? Do you remember seeing Monsters, Inc. in the cinema? Well I do and I bloody loved it. I’ve heard some rumblings that this Pixar films is less for families and more for kids but it’s Pixar so how bad can it be? Cars what?

Blancanieves (West End only until 19th June)
What’s this you ask? Why it’s a black and white Spanish adaptation of Snow White without many of its supernatural elements. Kat saw it back in October and described the film as “bold, beautiful, and brilliant”. You’ve got to admire the alliteration if nothing else.

Citadel (limited release)
“An agoraphobic father teams up with a renegade priest to save his daughter from the clutches of a gang of twisted feral children who committed an act of violence against his family years earlier.” How many renegade priests are there in the world? Do they not stop being priests as soon as they become renegade? Can anyone explain this to me?

The Deep (limited release)
“Based on actual events, a fisherman tries to survive in the freezing ocean after his boat capsizes off the south coast of Iceland.” Essentially an Icelandic sequel to Titanic then? Let’s hope whoever he is with lets him on the raft unlike selfish Rose.

We Steal Secrets: The Story of WikiLeaks (limited release)
What can I possibly tell you that the title doesn’t already say? I guess that the film was made without the help of Julian Assange or his BFFs.

Trap for Cinderella (limited release)
Considering Cinderella lived in servitude for years and then ran away with the first man who gave her a second glance I’d say that trapping her wouldn’t be too hard. Obviously this film isn’t about that Cinderella but is a British drama about a young girl with amnesia.

Play (limited release)
Young boys steal from other young boys using “advanced role-play and gang rhetoric”. Kids are so sophisticated these days. And sound slightly pretentious too.

Bhaag Milkha Bhaag (limited release)
“The true story of the “Flying Sikh” – world champion runner and Olympian Milkha Singh — who overcame the massacre of his family, civil war during the India-Pakistan partition, and homelessness to become one of India’s most iconic athletes.” The film is over 3 hours long. I would fall asleep at least twice.

Les Invisibles (limited release)
No jokes here as we have a documentary focussing on elderly homosexuals in France who made the brave decision to live openly as gay in a time when society was a bit more backwards.

The Moo Man (limited release)
A documentary about an independent dairy farmer that claims to be “a laugh-out-loud emotional roller-coaster of a film”. I don’t know about you but I find sheep much funnier.

Cleopatra (limited re-release)
Cleopatra, comin’ atcha! Or rather Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton coming at you in a ridiculously expensive and epicly long tale of triumphs, tragedies, and poor budgeting.