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It’s that time of year again; the Film4 Summer Screen at Somerset House line-up has been revealed with the usual mix of classic films, cult hits and UK premieres. There’s no better way to see a film than outside at night as you lie on stone floor with your friends eating a middle-class picnic.

Tickets go on sale this Friday 18th May from the Somerset House website and before you go be sure to read our Somerset House survival guide, do not go unprepared.

How anyone could resist seeing The Birds on the big screen is beyond me.

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Dark Shadows
A vampire rises from the ruins of a McDonald’s in the early 70s and moves back into his former home with a dysfunctional group of descendants. Shot in the UK with a soap opera sensibility, don’t be too surprised if William Roach makes a cameo.

Jeff, Who Lives at Home
A bit of mainstream mumblecore about a pair of brothers failing at life. Jeff, who lives at home, spends the days with his brother Pat as they follow Pat’s (potentially) adulterous wife.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation
One 9-year-old’s essay about their summer vacation will apparently involve helping Mel Gibson to survive in a Mexican prison. Certainly beats “I went camping in Wales for a week”. I don’t think I’ve ever helped Mel Gibson to survive anything, shame on me.

All in Good Time
British comedy about a newly wed couple who struggle to find the privacy they need to consummate their marriage. Expect the climax of the film to be the young couple checking into a Premier Inn with a wink and a smile.

Piranha 3DD
Get excited everyone, the piranhas are back! If this is anything like its predecessor then we are guaranteed one hell of a fun film where the 3D and the plot don’t take themselves too seriously. Expect boobs, blood, and naughty words.

Café de Flore (limited release)
French Canadian film telling two seemingly unconnected love stories. Described as a “mystical and fantastical odyssey on love” this is possibly a better date movie than Piranha 3DD, depending on who you’re dating.

Mitsuko Delivers (limited release)
A pregnant woman moves back to the working-class alley where she grew up in Tokyo and sorts everyone else’s lives out.

Charlie Casanova (limited release)
After killing a working girl in a hit and run, as you do, Charlie resigns himself from making decision in his life letting a pack of playing cards decide his fate instead. Ace of Spades, tequila shots. Queen of Hearts, kill a hooker.

Beloved (limited release)
Romantic musical drama starring Catherine Deneuve which spans three decades and follows a mother and daughter’s misadventures in love. Calling it a French Mamma Mia would be a stupid thing to do.

Faust (limited release)
Man sells his soul to the devil in exchange for knowledge, things end badly.

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Joss Whedon has always been a big name in my circle of friends. This is the man who brought us Buffy and Angel, the man who made the short-lived and overlooked Firefly, and the man who made Dollhouse – a series I’m still trying to forget.

Now Whedon’s Avengers is breaking box office records having just had the biggest US opening weekend of all time. Joss Whedon is suddenly king of the blockbuster, the man can do no wrong and wears a crown made entirely of frozen fanboys’ tears of joy. This achievement is all the more impressive when you consider the fact that this is Whedon’s second film as director and that his first attempt was nowhere near as successful.

Serenity has a few things in common with Avengers; featuring an ensemble cast banding together to share witty dialogue and fight the good fight against bad guys from outer space. That’s pretty much where the similarities end. Serenity had no big-name actors compared to Avengers, which hired the entire contents of IMDb. The budgets are separated by $180 million with Avengers costing the same as five and a half Serenitys. The origins of each film’s mythology are also wildly different; Avengers having had six feature films preceding it and decades of back-story in comic form, while Serenity was a spin-off from a 13 episode TV series that was never aired in full.

Joss Whedon’s talents as a film-maker have always been there. What has changed in the past seven years is that he has finally been given an audience willing to watch. When Serenity came out I was in full fanboy mode and saw the film three times before it was even released, a feat easily trumped by a number of other fans, but the general population barely noticed its appearance. In total Serenity made less than $40 million in cinemas, while Avengers has already made well over $700 million and counting.

Joss Whedon has only released two films as a director and they are barely comparable. His third bucks the trend even further, an adaptation of Much Ado About Nothing shot in black and white in a matter of days at his own house. Whedon is sure to be a success in the future but it looks like he’ll be keeping us guessing with each new film. Now where’s my Giles spin-off?

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Growing up Kevin Clash only wanted one thing; to be a puppeteer like Jim Henson from Sesame Street. After years spent making his own puppets and decades working his way through the world of puppetry Clash is living his dream. Kevin Clash is Elmo.

Told through interviews with Clash, his family and colleagues, bizarrely detailed archive footage and new footage of Clash at work on Sesame Street, making live appearances and throwing one hell of a Sweet Sixteen for his daughter, Being Elmo is a documentary lacking in sensationalism and shock revelations. Being Elmo tells a simple story of a man following his dreams and tells it well.

The resulting film is possibly one of the most heart-warming documentaries I have ever seen, I dare you not to cry at least once. Kevin Clash is a humble man who has succeeded through sheer talent and drive, putting his career ahead of everything else in his life. In Elmo he created a character who simply wants to love and you can see that reflected in the children Clash insists on meeting as Elmo personally, not letting a second puppeteer share the responsibility.

Being Elmo isn’t perfect. Throughout there are hints that not everything was perfect in Clash’s life as he references a divorce and we briefly hear how he regrets spending so much time with other people’s children when he has his own daughter at home. This is definitely the glossy Muppet version of Kevin Clash with any imperfection sewn up with invisible seams.

Being Elmo is all about following your dreams no matter what. What could be wrong with that?

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Silent House
Indie cinema’s latest wunderkind Elizabeth Olsen stars in this haunted house horror. The story is told in real time and with no visible cuts, the action unfold in, what looks like, a single camera take. I am guaranteed to watch this from behind my hands. I can’t wait.

Safe
Jason Statham has outdone himself. This time he is playing an ex-cage fighter protecting a young girl who is being hunted by the Russian mafia, Triads and corrupt members of the NYPD. Good grief Statham, what next? Jason Statham as a retired Ninja Geisha on the run from Aslan the lion, the reincarnation of Hitler, and his own clone?

Angel & Tony (limited release)
A Frenchman teaches a beautiful young woman how to fish. And presumably she eats for a lifetime.

Hara-Kiri: Death of a Samurai (limited release)
“A tale of revenge, honor and disgrace” involving at least one Samurai. SPOILER ALERT: He dies.

Beauty and the Beast 3D (limited release)
Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, Beauty and the Beast in 3D. Ask me nicely and I’ll sing you this new version of the classic Disney tune. Just call me Mrs. Potts.

Juan of the Dead (limited release)
Imagine Shaun of the Dead with zombie Cubans instead of a naked Peter Serafinowicz. Can you get a Cornetto in Cuba?

Goodbye First Love (limited release)
A foreign romantic drama for all you love birds out there. I remember my first love, we were four and her dad drove a milk float. Where are you now Jennifer?

Two Years at Sea (limited release)
Documentary about Jake, a man who lives alone in the middle of the forest and avoids most human contact. Field trip anyone?

Le Quai des Brumes (limited release)
French re-release from the late 1930s in which “a military deserter finds love and trouble (and a small dog) in a smoky French port city”. I wonder whether the small dog was the love or the trouble?

Dinotasia (limited release)
DINOSAUR DOCUMENTARY!!!

Monsieur Lazhar (limited release)
Comedy drama about suicide and loss from the Frenchy end of Canada. A teacher commits suicide and their replacement must help the students deal with their grief. Sounds laugh a minute.

Piggy (limited release)
Violent British feature about grief, revenge, plot twists, and “over 90 uses of strong language and seven uses of very strong language, six of which are spoken and one of which occurs in the form of graffiti on a wall.”

Clone (London West End only)
I saw Clone back when it was called Womb in 2010 and it was beautiful if more than a little bizarre. Eva Green plays a woman who impregnates herself with the clone of her dead lover, Matt Smith, after he dies. Things do not go smoothly.

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