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Allow me to take a moment to draw your attention to the image above. Are you curious to see what it would be like if Adam Sandler was playing any of the characters in Carnage? Of course you are! Simple move your mouse over any of the faces above to see Adam Sandler take on that role. It may be some of my worst Photoshopping to date which is why I have compensated with some mouse hovering fun. And to think all I wanted to do was persuade you to see Martha Marcy May Marlene.

Jack and Jill
Let’s see if I can get through this synopsis without trying to end it all. Adam Sandler THE HORROR!!! plays a family man SAVE ME!!! at Thanksgiving GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!!! who is visited by his “needy and passive-aggressive” MAKE IT STOP!!! twin sister Jill, MY EYES!!! also played by Adam Sandler NOOOOOOOO!!!.

Man On A Ledge
What a catchy title. In this thriller Sam Worthington plays an ex-convict threatening to end it all. In a plot twist which has somehow become part of the marketing campaign (thanks poster and trailer guys!), it turns out that the man on a ledge is merely there to distract the police from a heist happening across the road.

Young Adult
Jason Reitman and Diablo Cody reunite for the first time since Juno with a film about a writer (Charlize Theron) who returns to her home town to get back together with an ex-boyfriend who is now married. Hopefully Reitman will help keep Young Adult from slipping from Juno quality towards Jennifer’s Body shoddiness.

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island
The Rock, Gabriella from High School Musical, Josh “Almost Spider-Man” Hutcherson and Michael Caine team up to ride around on giant bees. Seriously.

Carnage
Two groups of parents come together after their children get in a fight. What starts as a polite discussion soon descends into petty rivalries brought to life by a fantastic cast. From our review, “If you like to see four good actors having fun with a theatrical script that takes a swipe at middle class values then this is for you. Though if this applies to you, you’re most likely middle class, you hypocrite.”

Martha Marcy May Marlene (limited release)
Such a good film. First time writer/director Sean Durkin and fresh young face Elizabeth Olsen (yes, from THAT Olsen family) bring a harrowing film about a young woman’s time in a modern-day cult and her shaky return to family life afterwards. It may only be on limited release but I insist you seek out this film. Read our full review, most of the sentences make sense.

Bombay Beach (limited release)

Best Laid Plans (limited release)
Classic literature becomes gritty British drama in this adaptation of Of Mice and Men. Don’t worry, you don’t have to seek this one out.

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Chronicle
Stephen has seen this film and was going to review it but then dropped his laptop. In the meantime you can have me writing a slightly clueless synopsis and then trying to distract you with a trailer. What we have here is a found-footage film about three teenagers who get superpowers and do not use them wisely. Will that do for a synopsis? No? Hey look, a trailer:

A small message from Stephen while we wait for him to get his laptop fixed: “Get on seeing Chronicle by the way – smashing film.”

The Descendants
With an overly confusing subplot about land ownership, Alexander Payne’s latest was in severe danger of losing me in its opening minutes. Luckily the main plot, in which a father reconnects with his two daughters as he hunts down the man who has been sleeping with his comatose wife (the affair was pre-coma, this isn’t Talk to Her), has enough humour and charm to save the film. From my review last October, “after the muddle at the start and a few awkward metaphors The Descendants comes together as a touching and hilarious family dramedy.”

Like Crazy
With a beautiful aesthetic, great cast, and improvised dialogue, Like Crazy is a naturalistic portrayal of a long distance relationship falling apart in spite of the deluded efforts of those involved. Sadly the realism of Like Crazy is almost too much, and I found myself as frustrated by the on-screen couple as I would be by any couple who are excessively in love and making a hash of it. My personal issues aside, this is not a terrible film and worth a look to see the moment that Felicity Jones truly arrives as an actress. Read the full review for more words, sentences, etc.

The Grey
Two hours of Liam Neeson fighting off wolves in Alaska. I had to choose between seeing this and going to a pub quiz, I think I made the right choice. SPOILER ALERT: Sarah Palin saves the day in the end, shooting down the wolves in her helicopter before throwing Neeson over her shoulder and carrying him away.

A Monster in Paris
French animated film about a monster (or giant flea) who falls in love with a cabaret singer and develops his musical abilities.

Intruders (limited release)
I think this is a horror movie starring Clive Owen in which a monster from his childhood starts to harass his young daughter. I can’t be quite sure though as the synopses on IMDb and Wikipedia are vague and confusing. HANG ON! Thanks to the BBFC I can now confirm that Intruders, “is a contemporary horror film about a monster that steals children’s faces.” As someone whose worst phobia is people with no faces I don’t think I could take this film.

House of Tolerance (limited release)
Your sexy film quota is filled this week by a French film focussing on the dynamics between women working in a Parisian brothel in the early 20th century. Expect sex, subtitles and presumably some more sex.

Acts of Godfrey (special release)
Who cares about the plot when this is the first film to be written entirely in rhyming couplets? Sadly only showing at the Vue in Shepherds Bush, you’ll need to make a special trip to see this unique British film.

Patience (After Sebald) (limited release)
“Patience (After Sebald) is a multi-layered film essay on landscape, art, history, life and loss by the acclaimed documentary film-maker Grant Gee. It is an exploration of the work and influence of German writer WG Sebald, told via a long walk through coastal East Anglia tracking his most famous book The Rings of Saturn.”

Mercenaries (limited release)
“Andy Marlow, an ex British S.A.S serviceman turned mercenary, is sent into the Balkans after a military coup has arisen to rescue a U.S ambassador and his aide.”

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Underworld: Awakening
I’m being strong and resisting making a cheap and obscure Coronation Street reference, you’re welcome. In the fourth of this series of vampire films I’ve never seen, Kate Beckinsale returns in tight black clothing to lead the battle against humankind.

J. Edgar
J. Edgar Hoover may or may not have been a transvestite but somehow I don’t think this Leonardo DiCaprio starring biopic directed by Clint Eastwood will feature him “wearing a fluffy pink dress with flounces and lace, stockings, high heels and a black curly wig” as Susan Rosenstiel claims he did over on Wikipedia. Beyond this odd bit of trivia this film does not interest me, sorry Clint.

W.E.
Possibly called W./E., this film is not making a name for itself by featuring bizarre levels of punctuation in its title, sadly the focus instead is on just how bad the whole ordeal is. Written and directed by Madonna, W.E. is so bad that BBC 2012‘s Danny Leigh said it made him want to set himself on fire. Grab some matches and get yourself down to your local cinema!

The Sitter (limited release)
Jonah Hill plays a suspended college student persuaded to babysit the kids next door. Madness ensues and Jonah Hill undoes all the good work he’s been doing in Allen Gregory.

L’Atalante (limited release)
This 1930′s French romantic drama has a tantalising write-up over at the BFI as they describe it as “funny, heart-rending, erotic, suspenseful, exhilaratingly inventive… Jean Vigo’s only full-length feature satisfies on so many levels, it’s no surprise it’s widely regarded as one of the greatest films ever made.” They are the only cinema showing the film though, so can they be trusted? Yes, they’re the BFI.

Coriolanus (limited release)
A bold debut by Ralph Fiennes as a director as he tackles one of Shakespeare’s lesser known plays about a soldier turned politician turned soldier. A thoroughly modern setting gels well with the ancient text and the film has an interesting blend of modern warfare and Shakespearian speech. I gave it a relatively positive review and the coveted Mild Concern award for Best Use of Jon Snow. Still yet to see this poster on the underground, how odd.

The Nine Muses (limited release)
“Part documentary, part personal essay, this experimental film combines archive imagery with the striking wintry landscapes of Alaska to tell the story of immigrant experience coming into the UK from 1960 onwards.” I’ll be honest, I get nervous whenever I see the term, “part documentary, part personal essay”.

Red Light Revolution (limited release)
Chinese comedy set in Beijing about a man who starts a sexual revolution after opening a sex shop to make ends meet.

X: Night of Vengeance (limited release)
Sticking with the limited release sex films, we have a “sizzling adults-only thriller” about two prostitutes “racing through Sydney’s criminal underworld in an attempt to stay alive”. Expect lots of violence and lots of sex.

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Haywire
Haywire is being called the female Bourne and, with a synopsis involving a super soldier seeking payback after she is betrayed, it’s not hard to see why. Admittedly I haven’t seen any of the Bourne films so can’t really judge. I have seen The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea though so you can hardly question my commitment to film. Because you may not recognise the female star Gina Carano (a former Gladiator) the male cast is a parade of big names including Fassbender, McGregor, Douglas, Tatum, Banderas and Paxton. Expect a woman to run around a lot injuring men with a variety of weapons and martial arts. Have a clip, I’m feeling generous:

That Michael Fassbender can’t be trusted with women.