Out Now – 17th October 2014

Palo Alto

The Best of Me
Two hour long contemporary American romantic drama. Yes it is another Nicholas Sparks adaptation. RUUUUUNNNN!!!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Childhood memories are there for a reason. Because you’ll never get round to rewatching the shows you loved as a child and any modern-day version will fail to recapture the magic. Don’t go see this in the cinemas, just sit at home with your memories instead.

The Judge
Robert Downey Jr. does some of that Robert Downey Jr. magic in this film starring Robert Downey Jr. as a lawyer returning home to defend his father, a judge who has been accused of murder. Robert Downey Jr. Also, Robert Duvall.

Northern Soul
“Set in 1974, an authentic and uplifting tale of two friends whose horizons are opened up by the discovery of black American soul music.” Sounds a lot like the 2010 Felicity Jones film SoulBoy right? Or did only Kat and I see that one? I swear there were at least 6 of us in the screening…

Citizenfour
Documentary featuring brand spanking new interviews with Edward Snowden! Edward Snowden leaked all that information about how US and UK governments are spying on what we do and say online. I do not endorse Edward Snowden. Just in case anybody at MI5 is reading this.

Palo Alto
Indie drama adapted from a collection of short stories by James Franco and directed by a Coppola. Think sexy hipster fables; lots of American Apparel and cigarettes.

My Name Is Hmmm
French drama with interweaving stories including an 11-year-old runaway, an absent mother, an abusive father, a field trip, an initiatory journey, a chance meeting, new encounters, and a Scottish truck driver. No idea.

United We Fall
“A mockumentary about five arrogant overpaid homophobic racist ex-Manchester United players who had the chance to become heroes in 2010 – and failed spectacularly.” Maybe it is because I am currently at the film festival and knee-deep in quality films but this week’s releases just don’t seem to be trying.

The Battles of Coronel and Falkland Islands
1927 war drama about some stuff that happened 100 years ago in 1914. (I gave the year for those of you unable to do simple maths.) You’ll never guess what events The Battles of Coronel and Falkland Islands is about.

Black Butler
Cinematic adaptation of what I am told is a popular manga series. “An orphaned aristocrat summons a demonic butler to aid her, at the price of her soul.” Honestly I think she could have worked out a more reasonable fee. She is an orphaned aristocrat after all.

Björk: Biophilia Live
Another quite self-explanatory title here. If you need more specifics then you will be watching Björk perform songs from her eighth album. She will not be performing live. You will be watching a recording of when she at some point sang those songs. She will not be able to hear you if you clap at the end. You have been warned.

Out Now – 10th October 2014

Filmed In Supermarionation

Who cares about films today? MY SISTER IS GETTING MARRIED. I’m giving a speech. There will be tears.

See you next week.

What’s that? You still care about what’s released this week? Well here’s some summaries I made earlier:

The Rewrite
As Hugh Grant stars in yet another romantic comedy I feel the need to inform you all that it is twenty years since Four Weddings and a Funeral came out. Twenty years! You’d have thought he’d have settled down by now.

The Maze Runner
Well Peter seemed to maybe almost like it but I’ll be damned if I understand the plot. Kids in a dystopian future are in a maze. Running. Or something.

Annabelle
Another of 2014’s films with a first name for a title. This latest installment in the year of the proper noun is a horror prequel to The Conjuring. Ooooh spooky doll!

One Direction: Where We Are – The Concert Film
I feel like the needlessly long title for this documentary gives you all the information you need.

Effie Gray
Emma Thompson has written a film starring Dakota Fanning, Thompson herself, and Thompson’s husband Greg Wise. Effie Gray tells the story of Effie Gray the teenage bride of Victorian art critic John Ruskin. Reviews are mixed. No Oscar this time methinks.

’71
Jack O’Connell plays a soldier abandoned by his unit on the streets of 1971 Belfast in a film that will have cinemas struggling to find their large plastic apostrophe to put on the sign outside.

The Calling
Susan Sarandon is a detective investigating a serial killer who believes that killing is their calling. I blame an over enthusiastic career guidance counsellor.

Gone Too Far
British comedy drama in which two brothers reunite after a lifetime apart and hilarity and heart-warmery ensue.

Gold
British comedy drama in which a man and his ex-wife & daughter reunite after a decade apart and hilarity and heart-warmery ensue.

Giovanni’s Island
Japanese animation NOT from Studio Ghibli. How to we deal with this? Has this happened before? Help!

Charlie’s Country
I’ll let IMDb explain this Australian drama because I am afraid to use some of the words they do: “Blackfella Charlie is out of sorts. The intervention is making life more difficult on his remote community, what with the proper policing of whitefella laws now. So Charlie takes off, to live the old way, but in so doing sets off a chain of events in his life that has him return to his community chastened, and somewhat the wiser.”

Filmed in Supermarionation
Tech issues have gotten in the way of me watching this documentary about the puppetry world of Gerry and Sylvia Anderson. I must see this! Who doesn’t love Thunderbirds? Captain Scarlet? Stingray? I hate you?

Out Now – 3rd October 2014

Gone Girl

If you are 18+ then obviously you will be seeing Gone Girl this weekend but there are some alternatives…

Soul Boys Of The Western World
A documentary about Spandau Ballett should that be something you felt was currently missing from your life.

Life After Beth
Beth dies! Beth comes back to life! Romantic zombie comedy (yes, another one) starring Aubrey Plaza as the undead Beth. Reviews are mixed so be warned.

Dracula Untold
Some film about Dracula. The “untold” part simply refers to the fact that this precise film has never been made before. Like all films. This is like adding “The Movie” to the end of your title. (Or ICYMI to the start of your tweet. Bastards.)

Gone Girl
This is a good film. You will like this film. I loved this film. Expect sex, violence, and all manner of tense moments. GOOD STUFF.

Dolphin Tale 2
I feel sorry for parents this weekend as office conversations on Monday morning will come to a halt when their response to “did you see Gone Girl this weekend?” is “no, but we did catch Dolphin Tale 2″.

Draft Day
I have no idea. it has something to do with the NFL which is a blissful mystery to me.

Bang Bang
Hindi action adventure comedy with a title that tells you so little and so much at the same time.

Haider
Hindi drama in which some really dramatic stuff happens. Definitely a more stoic film that the previous.

Still the Enemy Within
Documentary about the miners’ strike as told by the miners. No mention of Bill Nighy or LGBT.

Withnail & I
If you’ve seen it and like it then why not see it on the big screen? If you’ve not seen it then why not see it on the big screen? If you’ve seen it and dislike it then why not see Gone Girl on the big screen?

Tony Benn: Will and Testament
I’ve been sent an above average number of emails about this documentary exploring the life of Labour MP Tony Benn but I have nervously ignored them because I am completely oblivious to the man in question. The only solution to this would be to watch a documentary about him but as mentioned I feel too uninformed to watch it. It is a vicious cycle of ignorance.

Violette
Biopic of French author Violette Leduc. May contain scenes of French.

You and the Night
“Around midnight, a young couple and their transvestite maid prepare for an orgy. Their guests will be The Slut, The Star, The Stud and The Teen.” Just when you thought this list was flagging I pulled you back in! You perv.

Luna
“After losing their baby, Grant and Christine visit a friend in his isolated and idyllic seaside house. Over a long weekend, secrets are revealed and the life of the dead child is lived out in a series of fantastical dreams.” I am flagging.

The Great Train Robbery – A Tale Of Two Thieves
Flagged.

Out Now – 26th September 2014

Map of the Stars

The Equalizer
Edward Woodward has regenerated into Denzel Washington in this remake of a TV series that I am too young to remember. One day our children will watch a remake of Hot Fuzz and wonder who Denzel Washington is.

What We Did on Our Holiday
Having successfully avoided all promotional material for this UK comedy I am relying on my gut for judgement. My gut has taken a look at the casting combination of David Nativity 2 Tennant, Billy Gulliver’s Travels Connolly, and Rosamund Hector and the Search for Happiness Pike and decided we should all steer clear.

Maps to the Stars
David Cronenberg continues to be searingly relevant with a drama exploring the seduction of fame and celebrity featuring a cast of talented names like Julianne Moore, Robert Pattinson, and Mia Wasikowska. Consider this the anti-What We Did on Our Holiday.

I Origins
New sci-fi drama with a vague synopsis from the man whose mind made the exceedingly good Another Earth. A scientific discovery changes EVERYTHING. In a low budget sort of fashion.

Ida
A trainee nun in 1960s Poland discovers a shocking secret about her family that dates back to the time of the Nazis. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that this has nothing to do with the Trapp family drama that went on in nearby Austria.

The Last Impresario
Documentary about “the most famous person you have never heard of”; Michael White. I can certainly confirm that the latter half of that description is right.

Human Capital
Italian drama about the fallout of betrayal, bad investments, and bedtime antics. Read my hastily written review here or just know that while the review is badly written the film is not.

Honeymoon
Interesting horror about a newly-wed couple whose honeymoon is disrupted by things going bump in the night. Not those things. Spooky things.

Relationship Status: It’s Complicated
“Add a plot”.

Out Now – 19th September 2014

Magic in the Moonlight

The Riot Club
If there is one aspect of culture I don’t understand it is “lad culture”. All the bloody lads, top banter, and all the homoerotic fun that comes with it. This film is essentially about what happens when the lads in question are wealthy and can indulge in more decadent loutishness. The BBFC promises “strong violence, very strong language, strong sex, sex references, and drug use” so prepare to have your morals compromised.

The Giver
Set in a dystopian future where the government has taken on totalitarian control and the masses, dressed in muted colours, lack free will and don’t even seem to realise that they are being oppressed proper noun discovers that the world they live in is not what it seems. With their new-found knowledge proper noun decides to escape their society and change things for the better. PLOT TWIST! Proper noun is a boy!

Think Like a Man Too
Following on from the presumed success of Think Like a Man this sequel adds cast members, a different (but not too different plot), and the word “Too”. Enjoy!

A Walk Among the Tombstones
A drug kingpin’s wife is kidnapped so he hires the one man who has the specific set of skills needed to get her back; Liam Neeson. Here Liam Neeson is totally not playing the same character from Taken. For legal reasons it is very important that we all agree that he is not playing the same character from Taken. He is playing the same character from Taken.

Wish I Was Here
If you can get past the title, and the whole Kickstarter debate, you might (might) enjoy this second feature from Zach Braff. If you are like me and have gone from loving Garden State to being scared to ever watch it again then I advise you to read Melissa’s review of attending a preview screening as she shares our reservations. Wish I was here… Oh! I am here! In fact here is the definition of where I am. I am so silly sometimes.

Magic in the Moonlight
Woody Allen has bounced back from the success of Blue Jasmine to bring us a period comedy that critics worldwide are calling “not great”. Regardless of the quality, or lack thereof, we get the charming combination of Emma Stone and Colin Firth. This charm will shortly be followed by uneasiness when we realise they are supposed to be a romantic pairing.

Salomé / Wilde Salomé
Al Pacino directs and stars in a film adaptation of Oscar Wilde’s play that, for the sake of editorial authority, I will pretend to be familiar with. Also we have a documentary in which we follow Al Pacino attempting to direct and star in a film adaptation of Oscar Wilde’s play that, because it is my favourite play ever, I perform to crowds in Covent Garden every Friday night. Essentially you are getting a film and its DVD extras all at once. for the price of two trips to the cinema. Yay?

The Kidnapping of Michel Houellebecq
Michel Houellebecq gets kidnapped! If only his family had contact details for Liam Neeson’s character from Taken.

Khoobsurat
“Remake of 1980’s Khoobsurat starred Ashok Kumar and Rekha with modern touch.” Hmm… this synopsis really relies on me knowing something about the original Khoobsurat. Which I do not.

20,000 Days on Earth
Nick Cave stars in a film about Nick Cave. Perfect for fans of Nick Cave or caves in general.

Night Will Fall
Alfred Hitchcock and Sidney Bernstein shot a film together in 1945 about German concentration camps and nobody has seen it until now. Imagine that. In fact don’t just imagine it get down to the cinema and see it with your eyes!

Grand Piano
“Moments before his comeback performance, a concert pianist who suffers from stage fright discovers a note written on his music sheet.” I’m no expert but as I understand it notes are precisely what you want on your music sheet. A music sheet with no notes is actually just a sheet.