The Raid
A SWAT team faces off against a mobster’s army of thugs in a tower block. This film is getting a huge amount of buzz and looks to be filled wall to wall with ridiculous action of the highest quality. Probably best to avoid if you are of a delicate disposition. Take your inhaler.

2 Days in New York
In this sequel to 2 Days in Paris the culture clash has moved to New York and Adam Goldberg has been swapped for Chris Rock. If there’s anyone who thrives in romantic comedy dramas set over a specific short time frame it is Julie Delphy.

The Source (limited release)
Women in a small village go on sex strike to encourage their men to fetch water from a distant well. The men react badly rather than doing the sensible thing and simply moving closer to the well and/or withholding their DIY skills to further enforce gender stereotypes.

Even the Rain (limited release)
Set around the production of a film about Christopher Columbus as it is disrupted by protests surrounding the privatisation of the local water supply. Not exactly the most enticing of plots and there’s not even any sex or violence, just some strong language.

The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp (limited release)
Re-release of 1940s drama about, well… the life and death of Colonel Blimp.

If I Want to Whistle, I Whistle (limited release)
A teenager in prison finds love on the inside two weeks before his release. I suggest he shivs a guard to get his stay extended. Anything for love!

She Monkeys (limited release)
Two teenage girls with a fondness for equestrian vaulting share a crush and a relationship filled with physical and psychological challenges.

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The Dictator
That scoundrel Sacha Baron Cohen is back with his fourth feature, the first to not feature a character from Da Ali G Show. This time Baron Cohen is playing Admiral General Aladeen, dictator of a fictional country called the Republic of Wadiya, who is summoned by the UN to discuss his nuclear program. Looking decidedly more scripted than his more recent work The Dictator appears on the surface to be easily the second best film Baron Cohen has made. Put that on your poster!

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Matthew Bourne’s Swan Lake (limited release)
I’m told that Matthew Bourne’s re-interpretation of Swan Lake is a modern dance classic. I’m also told that dance is one of the few times that 3D really works. If “they” are to be believed then this 3D cinematic recording of the ballet is a must see, not least because you will finally understand Black Swan. I’m still scared of ballet, someone may have to hold my hand.

The Man with the Jazz Guitar (limited release)
“The delightful portrait of the fascinating 50s jazz musician and popular radio broadcaster, Ken Sykora, told through his vast archive of sound recordings and memorabilia.” As usual with these films I have no idea who Ken Sykora is.

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Dark Shadows
A vampire rises from the ruins of a McDonald’s in the early 70s and moves back into his former home with a dysfunctional group of descendants. Shot in the UK with a soap opera sensibility, don’t be too surprised if William Roach makes a cameo.

Jeff, Who Lives at Home
A bit of mainstream mumblecore about a pair of brothers failing at life. Jeff, who lives at home, spends the days with his brother Pat as they follow Pat’s (potentially) adulterous wife.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation
One 9-year-old’s essay about their summer vacation will apparently involve helping Mel Gibson to survive in a Mexican prison. Certainly beats “I went camping in Wales for a week”. I don’t think I’ve ever helped Mel Gibson to survive anything, shame on me.

All in Good Time
British comedy about a newly wed couple who struggle to find the privacy they need to consummate their marriage. Expect the climax of the film to be the young couple checking into a Premier Inn with a wink and a smile.

Piranha 3DD
Get excited everyone, the piranhas are back! If this is anything like its predecessor then we are guaranteed one hell of a fun film where the 3D and the plot don’t take themselves too seriously. Expect boobs, blood, and naughty words.

Café de Flore (limited release)
French Canadian film telling two seemingly unconnected love stories. Described as a “mystical and fantastical odyssey on love” this is possibly a better date movie than Piranha 3DD, depending on who you’re dating.

Mitsuko Delivers (limited release)
A pregnant woman moves back to the working-class alley where she grew up in Tokyo and sorts everyone else’s lives out.

Charlie Casanova (limited release)
After killing a working girl in a hit and run, as you do, Charlie resigns himself from making decision in his life letting a pack of playing cards decide his fate instead. Ace of Spades, tequila shots. Queen of Hearts, kill a hooker.

Beloved (limited release)
Romantic musical drama starring Catherine Deneuve which spans three decades and follows a mother and daughter’s misadventures in love. Calling it a French Mamma Mia would be a stupid thing to do.

Faust (limited release)
Man sells his soul to the devil in exchange for knowledge, things end badly.

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Silent House
Indie cinema’s latest wunderkind Elizabeth Olsen stars in this haunted house horror. The story is told in real time and with no visible cuts, the action unfold in, what looks like, a single camera take. I am guaranteed to watch this from behind my hands. I can’t wait.

Safe
Jason Statham has outdone himself. This time he is playing an ex-cage fighter protecting a young girl who is being hunted by the Russian mafia, Triads and corrupt members of the NYPD. Good grief Statham, what next? Jason Statham as a retired Ninja Geisha on the run from Aslan the lion, the reincarnation of Hitler, and his own clone?

Angel & Tony (limited release)
A Frenchman teaches a beautiful young woman how to fish. And presumably she eats for a lifetime.

Hara-Kiri: Death of a Samurai (limited release)
“A tale of revenge, honor and disgrace” involving at least one Samurai. SPOILER ALERT: He dies.

Beauty and the Beast 3D (limited release)
Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, Beauty and the Beast in 3D. Ask me nicely and I’ll sing you this new version of the classic Disney tune. Just call me Mrs. Potts.

Juan of the Dead (limited release)
Imagine Shaun of the Dead with zombie Cubans instead of a naked Peter Serafinowicz. Can you get a Cornetto in Cuba?

Goodbye First Love (limited release)
A foreign romantic drama for all you love birds out there. I remember my first love, we were four and her dad drove a milk float. Where are you now Jennifer?

Two Years at Sea (limited release)
Documentary about Jake, a man who lives alone in the middle of the forest and avoids most human contact. Field trip anyone?

Le Quai des Brumes (limited release)
French re-release from the late 1930s in which “a military deserter finds love and trouble (and a small dog) in a smoky French port city”. I wonder whether the small dog was the love or the trouble?

Dinotasia (limited release)
DINOSAUR DOCUMENTARY!!!

Monsieur Lazhar (limited release)
Comedy drama about suicide and loss from the Frenchy end of Canada. A teacher commits suicide and their replacement must help the students deal with their grief. Sounds laugh a minute.

Piggy (limited release)
Violent British feature about grief, revenge, plot twists, and “over 90 uses of strong language and seven uses of very strong language, six of which are spoken and one of which occurs in the form of graffiti on a wall.”

Clone (London West End only)
I saw Clone back when it was called Womb in 2010 and it was beautiful if more than a little bizarre. Eva Green plays a woman who impregnates herself with the clone of her dead lover, Matt Smith, after he dies. Things do not go smoothly.

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Because at one point putting a giant (American) pie into a still from The Lucky One seemed like a good move.

American Reunion
When the first American Pie film came out I was four years too young to see it. Back then it was the hit of the playground; dirty and funny enough to strike a chord with a generation. Now that we’re all grown up and the franchise is on its fourth (or possibly eighth) instalment, do the jokes hold up or will we need more than toilet humour to amuse us?

The Lucky One
Zac Efron plays a soldier who is saved from an explosion when distracted by a photograph in the sand. Convinced that the woman in the photo is his good luck charm he tracks her down when back from the war. Romance and drama ensues as Efron attempts to melt the underwear of women all over the world. Ew.

Lawrence of Belgravia (limited release)
“An intimate documentary portrait of Lawrence, the musician behind cult UK bands Felt, Denim and Go-Kart Mozart.” Lawrence is the greatest pop star who never quite made it to being famous. Well, I’ve certainly never heard of him or any of his bands but then I haven’t heard of half of these lot either.

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African Cats (limited release)
With the week’s sole big release already out in cinemas today is an odd collection of films including this documentary with a self-explanatory title.

Outside Bet (limited release)
80s set British comedy about a group of friends who spend their redundancy money on buying a racehorse in the hopes of making it rich.

Buck (limited release)
Documentary about acclaimed ‘horse whisperer’ Buck Brannaman. This really is an odd crop of films.

Damsels in Distress (limited release)
Whit Stillman hasn’t had a film released since 1998 and returns with a comedy about three women who change the male-dominated environment of the Seven Oaks college campus. I feel as though I should know who Whit Stillman is and as a result care more about this film and his return to film-making. Sadly this is not the case. It’s hard to get excited about any film not involving Elmo today.

The Monk (limited release)
In 17th century Madrid a monk becomes an acclaimed preacher before finding himself tested by temptation. Includes more nudity and violence that you might expect.

Strippers vs Werewolves (limited release)
Set in Essex of all places this film presumably includes exactly as much nudity and violence as you’d expect. Can it possibly be as fun as Zombie Strippers? No, nothing ever will be.

Albert Nobbs (limited release)
Amusingly titled period drama about a woman who is forced to pose as a man in order to be independent. This could well be a fantastic film but I find the image of Glenn Close as a man genuinely terrifying.

Being Elmo (limited release)
What looks to be an incredibly adorable and moving documentary focusses on Kevin Clash the man who created, portrays, and is Elmo. Check here for details of screenings across the UK.

388 Arletta Avenue (limited release)
Creepy stalker films a couple at home and at work before moving in for the kill…

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Bear with me. We all know I’ve been struggling with the title of today’s release. The only way I could make grammatical sense of Marvel Avengers Assemble was to try out a similar word configuration using another studio and its characters. For whatever reason (a childhood rich in animated joy) Disney Princesses Assemble was what sprang to mind and the above image naturally followed as a result. Can you believe I’m single?

Marvel Avengers Assemble
The film with six prequels finally arrives today and we get it a whole week before America. Take that Obama*! Joss Buffy Whedon brings us the film in which all of Marvel’s much-loved superheroes (and Hawkeye** with a pathetic looking bow) unite to fight some aliens as lead by Loki, Thor’s adoptive brother. This year’s first spandex-filled blockbuster looks like a lot of fun and with Whedon involved we’re guaranteed a quip for every explosion.

*I love you really, not least because of this
**I’ve not heard of him either

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There are a grand total of eighteen films out today so I have limited myself to trying to summarise each in exactly ten words*. Wish me luck.

Gone
Amanda Seyfried faces former kidnapper/serial killer after sister’s disappearance.

Lockout
Riot in space prison, President’s daughter taken hostage. Guy Pearce!?

Salmon Fishing in the Yemen
Romantic comedy drama genuinely involving salmon fishing in the Yemen.

Transit (limited release)
Family bond while on the run from violent bank robbers.

Town of Runners (limited release)
Documentary following young runners in Ethiopian rural town of Bekoji.

Beauty (Skoonheid) (limited release)
Apathetic man has his life unravelled by unexpected sexual awakening.

Grave Encounters (limited release)
Found footage horror featuring reality TV show gone supernaturally wrong.

Elles** (limited release)
Prostitution funds student’s studies. Take the escort in your life.

Breathing (limited release)
Teen leaves prison and battles with guilt in Austrian drama.

Marley (limited release)
People talk about Bob Marley. Musician, activist and womaniser. Legend.

Vicky Donor*** (limited release)
Bollywood film about sperm donation. Stranger things have happened, allegedly.

The Bad and the Beautiful (limited release)
Re-release of early Hollywood film about early Hollywood. How meta.

Fury (limited release)
Avengers‘ Nick Fury stars in Fury not as Nick Fury.

Irvine Welsh’s Ecstasy (limited release)
Dark romantic comedy from Canada with drug smuggler as lead.

Oliver Sherman (limited release)
Unstable veteran invades the life of man who saved his.

Elfie Hopkins (limited release)
Double Winstone starring horror. Teen detective investigates mysterious new neighbours.

The Divide (limited release)
Nuclear attack! Survivors in basement fight amongst themselves. Typical humans.

Hollywoo**** (Cine Lumiere only)
French dubbing actress convinces American actress not to quit show.

*I cheated using asterisks.
**Sexy French film of the week.
***Only included to make the list of films seem even more ridiculously long.
****Ten words was not enough to explain this one properly

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The Cabin in the Woods
Making the most of Friday 13th is this genre-bending film that turns the concept of the horror film on its disembodied head. One reason to get excited is that this was co-written by Joss Whedon who will always be God because he brought us Buffy (and I once got his autograph back when I was a nerd, before I become all cool and started a film blog). The only bad review I’ve heard was on Radio 4′s Front Row which I listen to like all well-adjusted 23 year olds, all others (including our own) are glowing and the film sounds like a hell of a lot of fun. Incidentally I haven’t seen it yet so consider taking me along, I’m toilet trained and have my own Pez dispenser.

Blackthorn (limited release)
Butch Cassidy has fled to Bolivia and gets into some scrapes with a young robber.

Gospel of Us (limited release)
“This project is the film version of the Passion play that was performed throughout Port Talbot in Easter 2011.” Great synopsis IMDB!

Mozart’s Sister (limited release)
The “re-imagined account” of Mozart’s older, musically gifted sister. When I want re-imagined Mozart I watch Amadeus; it’s three hours long and won eight Oscars, what’s not to love?

Delicacy (limited release)
Audrey Tautou (swoon) stars as a widow being “courted” by a co-worker.

A Night to Remember (limited release)
Re-release of 1958 film in which “the Titanic disaster is depicted in straightforward fashion without the addition of fictional subplots”. Can’t help but feel that this synopsis is having a dig at James Cameron. I approve.

Edge (limited release)
“A hotel. A cliff. Six lost people, looking for something, or looking to lose themselves.” Enigmatic. Staccato. Pretentious.

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Battleship
You aren’t imagining this. They really have adapted a children’s game into a sci-fi action film starring Liam Neeson and Rihanna. RIHANNA! Can’t wait for the scene where they try to defeat the aliens by blindly firing missiles at the Ocean. If Liam Neeson doesn’t say “you sunk my battleship” demand your money back.

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Titanic 3D
See the unsinkable ship sink in 3D! See Jack and Rose frolic, fornicate, and freeze to death! Remind yourself that James Cameron once made decent films and then marvel at how he has ruined it all by retrofitting Titanic with 3D.

Headhunters
Norwegian thriller in which an “accomplished headhunter risks everything to obtain a valuable painting owned by a former mercenary.” And when they say headhunter they actually do mean a recruitment consultant, who knew they led such exciting lives?

The Cold Light of Day
“After his family is kidnapped during their sailing trip in Spain, a young Wall Street trader is confronted by the people responsible: intelligence agents looking to recover a mysterious briefcase.” What!? It may be because I’m half asleep but that synopsis does nothing for me. Give them the suitcase and get your family back, don’t be a jerk.

La Grande Illusion (limited release)
Re-release of 1937 French film about two French soldiers in a German POW camp. My favourite part of the synopsis is the phrase “a seemingly impenetrable fortress which seems impossible to escape from”. I wonder if that fortress is easy to access?

This Must Be the Place (limited release)
Sean Penn plays a former rock star on a road trip to find the ex-Nazi who executed his father. Finally the showdown between a Nazi and Sean Penn in lipstick and a wig I’ve been waiting for.

Le Havre (limited release)
A French shoe shiner forms an unlikely friendship with an African boy when he arrives alone on a cargo ship in Le Havre. Could this be this week’s The Kid With a Bike, if so I will intend to see it but never quite manage to.

Return (limited release)
Soldier returns from the army and struggled to settle back into normal life so starts dressing her pets up in tiny flak jackets and makes them hold tiny guns. Some of that I made up.

North Sea Texas (limited release)
Dutch film about a teenage boy who falls for the boy next door. This is the perfect film to use to come out to the neighbour you’re in love with. Terry, I’m coming for you!

A Cat in Paris (limited release)
Short and stylish French animation about a rooftop adventure in Paris. Forget Le Havre, this is the French film I’m going to fail to see this week. I need to go to the cinema more.

666: The Prophecy (limited release)
“After the death of his wife and child, an author travels to Barcelona to see his estranged brother and dying father, where he learns that his life is plagued by events that occur on 11/11/11.” Surprisingly in most countries this came out on 11/11/11 and was called 11-11-11. We’ve just got to be different.

A Gang Story/Les Lyonnais (limited release)
Long-winded synopsis here. Something about a gypsy camp and someone stealing cherries. I’m going to return to my slumber now.

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Mirror Mirror
After its awful trailer was panned by everyone from me to the film’s director it is a little surprising that the film is getting a fair amount of positive reviews. No matter how good or bad this camp re-imagining of Snow White will always be missing one thing, Felicity Jones.

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Wrath of the Titans
Those pesky titans are back and this time they’re filled with wrath. I have no idea what happened in Clash of the Titans nor do I remotely understand the plot of this sequel. We can only hope that Liam Neeson gets a line half as good as in the previous film. Now it’s time to have a debate in your office over how you pronounce “wrath”.

StreetDance 2
If there was ever a franchise I understood less than Titans it would be this one about street dancers. All I know is that people dance at each other in a competitive fashion. That and Liam Neeson is sadly absent from the cast.

Into The Abyss: A Tale Of Death, A Tale Of Life (limited release)
Werner Herzog’s latest is a chilling documentary about a triple murder, the victim’s family, the men convicted of the crime and those who must execute them. I caught this at last year’s London Film Festival and described it as thought-provoking and easily the best documentary of the festival.

Tiny Furniture (limited release)
Quirky comedy about a recent graduate forced to move back home while she sorts her life out. Quirky.

Bonsái (limited release)
“A young writer recounts an earlier romance in hopes of attracting his new love interest.” Let’s hope the woman he is wooing doesn’t mind him talking incessantly about his ex.

The Island President (limited release)
Documentary about President Mohamed Nasheed of the Maldives and his fight to keep the islands from disappearing under the sea. I guess moving isn’t an option?

Babycall (limited release)
Noomi Rapace (the original girl with the dragon tattoo) plays a beaten wife seeking refuge with her son who starts to pick up sounds of a child in trouble on her baby monitor (or babycall).

Corpo celeste (limited release)
“Thirteen year-old Marta has recently moved back to southern Italy with her mother and older sister and struggles to find her place, restlessly testing the boundaries of an unfamiliar city and the catechism of the Catholic church.”

The Emperor and the White Snake (limited release)
“Action director Ching Siu-Tung helms this fantasy film based on an old Chinese legend about an herbalist who falls in love with a thousand-year-old White Snake disguised as a woman. Jet Li stars as a sorcerer who discovers her true identity and battles to save the man’s soul.”

Breaking Wind (London only)
If Vampires Suck wasn’t enough Twilight satire for you here’s a second parody film to sink your teeth into. SINK YOUR TEETH INTO! LMFAO!!

Switch (London only)
IMDb helpfully has a synopsis translated into English from the French Wikipedia entry by Jamy_Kayleigh. Good old Jamy_Kayleigh. More exciting than this (imagine!) is that Eric Cantona co-stars.

This Is Not a Film (London West End only)
Smuggled out of Iran in a cake this documentary was made by Iranian director Jafar Panahi whilst under house arrest and having been banned from making films until 2030. The film follows a day in the life of Panahi as he films himself not making films.

Guess where in this post I became so exhausted by the number of films and gave up writing anything of interest.

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The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists
Ooh a lovely bit of claymation from Aardman. It is your duty as a Brit to see this family comedy about a pirate captain struggling to win the coveted Pirate of the Year Award who teams up with Charles Darwin to win the Scientist of the Year Award instead. The voice cast is groaning with British talent including Hugh Grant, David Tennant, Russell Tovey, Brendan Gleeson, Martin Freeman, Imelda Staunton and Lenny Henry (I ran out of names at the end there). It may be a U certificate film but the BBFC promises “very mild language, violence, threat and innuendo”. I love a bit of innuendo.

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