Argh, lots of films out today. Now the blockbusters are over there’s no real competition so they’re throwing them out there.

22 Bullets
A French film about a man who is shot with 22 bullets and then goes on what is described as a “revenge spree”. Guns!

Bonded by Blood
A gritty British film about crime and criminals in the South. It has swearing in the tagline, it must be good.

Certified Copy
Another French film but this time a romantic comedy about an English writer in France. Binoche!

Dinner for Schmucks
What I have now decided is a good cast in a terrible film. It’s going to be hard not seeing this and knwoing that Jemaine Clement is in it. Schmuck!

Jonah Hex
I thought this would be released with a bit more fanfare but I haven’t seen a single poster yet. Josh Brolin played a bounty hunter out to stop a terrorist trying to unleash hell on earth. Malkovich!

The Last Exorcism
An exorcism happens. Before that some pretty grim violence happens too. Baby in a fire!

No Impact Man
A documentary following a family in New York who try and live for a year while making no net environmental impact. Good luck!

Why Did I Get Married Too?
A sequel to a film I haven’t seen which is getting terrible reviews. Pass!

Cherry Tree Lane (limited release)
A violent British film about a couple being terrorised by a gang trying to kill their son. Only out in one cinema so you’ll have to really try if you want to see it. Youth.

SoulBoy (limited release)
Set against the 70′s Northern Soul music scene we have a coming of age drama featuring a love triangle and Mild Concern’s favourite Felicity Jones. The similarities to Cemetery Junction are a bit too easy. Hell if Felicity Jones is in it, I can’t resist. Felicity!

Splintered (limited release)
Something about a human animal thing in a house. I think people go in that house and don’t come out again. Use a tweezer!

As we start September the Summer Blockbuster season draws to a close and we enter the time of year when award worthy films grace our screens. There’s also a Bateman/Aniston comedy.

The Switch
I very nearly saw this yesterday but misplaced my ticket and couldn’t be bothered to do anything about it so will not be able to bring any real insight on the film. However the mix of Jason Bateman, Jeff Goldblum and some people who had something to do with Juno and Little Miss Sunshine, can easily offset the worry that Jennifer Aniston brings and I really want to see The Switch. Anyone?

Perestroika
The fact that this is only released at the ICA should let you know that this is an arty film. Sure enough, “Twenty years after the death of a dear friend, the filmmaker re-traces a ghostly journey on the Trans-Siberian Railway to investigate how images of the past can invade the present.” It gets more arty the more you read.

Run Michael Cera, run! If the release of Avatar ruins Scott Pilgrim‘s box office I might cry. For more on the whole prancing Michael Cera phenomenon go to here.

Avatar (Special Edition)
So who felt that Avatar ran a bit too short and wants to see an extra nine minutes? Really? Well apparently if you wait for the new extended DVD then you’ll get sixteen minutes of extra footage! What a scam. Then you can always get the 3D DVD when it rolls along. So that’s two cinema releases and three DVD releases for just the first in a trilogy.

The Girl Who Played with Fire
A computer hacker and journalist investigate a sex trafficking ring. I’ve seen people on the underground every day reading books from this trilogy, it must be good. If only I’d seen the first!

Dog Pound (limited release)
Three young thugs arrive in a correctional facility and some presumably gritty stuff unfolds. I imagine I’d spend the whole film feeling mildly threatened.

The Last Seven (limited release)
This could maybe possibly be good. Seven people wake up in an abandoned London and find they are the last people alive. Or are they…? Well you’ll never find out as it’s only out in one cinema in London.

The Maid (limited release)
A South American dramedy about a maid trying to scare off newer younger maids in order to maintain her position in the household of the Valdes family.

Wah Do Dem (limited release)
A badly received low budget american indie film about some hipster getting lost in Jamaica.

Please, please do not go and see Avatar.

Nothing too exciting coming out today.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid
“Live-action adaptation of Jeff Kinney’s illustrated novel about a wise-cracking sixth grade student.” Ugh, you completely lost me at “wise-cracking sixth grade student.” Reviews from people who have actually seen the film are similarly unimpressed.

Grown Ups
A whole bunch of comedians who weren’t that funny in their day are back to be not too funny again. Even better it’s set over the 4th of July weekend, something we in the UK don’t really care about. Lame!

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
Comic book adaptation about a weedy guy fighting some more attractive guys to get a girl that is totally out of his league. Apparently it also references video games. Yawn.

Good films, bad films, foreign films and gross films. It’s a busy week for films this week. Go and see any that take your fancy this weekend so that you’re good and ready for Wednesday, after which I’m going to need to think of something new to blog about. We’re all excited about Burlesque right? No?

The Human Centipede (First Sequence)
Ever wanted to see three people stitched together in a chain so that they share a digestive system? I know, right? Haven’t we all? Luckily we don’t wait any more! Don’t forget this film is 100% medically accurate… like most other films.

Piranha
I’m a sucker for a good horror but this seems little more than an excuse for gore and boobs and I’d hate to endorse that. I’m also against 3D films finding them lacking the necessary thrill for the extra cost. Regardless if you were to see this horror in 3D I will be queuing up with you. 3D horror is way up on my list of most enjoyable cinema experiences; things will fly in your face and whether they be boobs or gores it’s all pretty awesome.

Salt
A spy goes on the run after being accused of being a spy. Wait… an American spy is accused of being a Russian spy! Maybe. Certainly well timed what with all the Russian spies being uncovered in America. The question is, who is Salt? The answer presumably is Angelina Jolie, if not let me know.

The Illusionist (limited release)
A British/French animation following a magician who visits a small community and shares a connection with a young girl. It all sounds charming to be honest.

Mother (limited release)
A Korean mother kicks up a right fuss in the criminal community while trying to find out who framed her mentally handicapped son for the murder of a young girl. Sounds… foreign.

Pianomania (limited release)
It’s a documentary about a piano tuner trying to find the perfect pitch! And it’s foreign! Could be a contender for least mainstream film of the week.

Another day, another film. But this isn’t any just another film!!! No it’s just another film about a team of mercenaries.

The Expendables
If it hadn’t completed blotted out Scott Pilgrim‘s release I’d be pretty indifferent to this particular release. It’s yet another big blockbuster filled with more explosions and one liners, and in this case oddly muscular old men, nothing special but probably a bit of fun to watch. But Stallone and pals (and Julia Roberts) made my future film of the year look like a flop, so I really don’t see why anyone in the UK should go and see it. Take that Stallone!

Ah what’s the use, even Mild Concern was promoting this behemoth!

Films are trickling out this week starting with today. Fans of dog based comedy are in for a treat.

Marmaduke
Owen Wilson plays the title role of a Great Dane who can’t help but wreak havoc. This is based on a comic strip that I’m almost certain we don’t get here in the UK. I’ve only heard of it thanks to years of watching more US TV than is feasible. But hey, if you’ve got kids or a weird fixation with talking animals you have no excuse no to go.

In other news, one week to go.

All you need to know about this week’s releases is the following: “Ain’t nothin’ in the world get Black Dynamite more mad than some jive ass sucka dealin’ smack to the kids!” But we will continue as usual regardless. Well I might try to use quotes from Black Dynamite to illustrate this week’s films…

The Last Airbender
Your mother would turn over in her grave if she were here to see this.

Tinkerbell & The Great Fairy Rescue
I’m gonna fight. The only way I know how. Ever since I was a boy, all I knew was how to fight. Fight, fight, fight. And when I got tired, I would fight some more. And now that the Man has got our backs to the wall, I ain’t gonna let him hurt the kids. I’m gonna take him down. I’m gonna take them all down.

Black Dynamite (limited release)
Because whenever there’s injustice, wrongs to be righted, innocents to be defended, Black Dynamite will be there, delivering ass-whuppings. and I will not hesitate to lay the hammer down on any clown that comes around. Because if they wanna fight, they best come see me, because I’m Black Dynamite.

The Refuge (limited release)
Now if I catch any of you dealing drugs to the community, I will not consider you a brother or a friend, can you dig it?

The Secret in Their Eyes (limited release)
This ghetto is gonna be turned upside-down, I tell you, upside-down. The streets are gonna run crimson with the blood of the men responsible for his brother’s death. Man I’m speaking of is a veritable one-man army. And if you get on his bad side, brother, you’re done for. It’s only a matter of time before he finds out. And when he does, no matter where he is, get ready, gentlemen, because hell’s a-coming. Coming, coming, coming…

OK so the last one makes no real sense apart from that film involves a murder. America gets an awesome release today, lame.

Even with the joy that is Orange Wednesdays today’s release isn’t worth parting with your hard earned cash. If you have any cash that wasn’t hard earned then feel free. Hippy.

The Sorcerer’s Apprentice
Nicholas Cage ruins all the good work he did in Kick Ass and Bad Lieutenant by playing Balthazar Blake, a sorcerer who recruits a new apprentice to help defend New York from the evil Maxim Horvath played by Alfred Molina with seemingly painted on hair. From the joys of IMDb’s Parent’s Guide I bring you the most titillating part of the film;  ”While Balthazar is in the shop in Chinatown, there is a nude male acupuncture practice doll, however it is easily overlooked.” I’m blushing right now.

In other news, two weeks to go.

The studios really aren’t trying very hard this week. But it gets much better from now on. Promise.

Coco Chanel & Igor Stravinsky
Covering the period after the rival film Coco Before Chanel, this French biopic of Coco Chanel does match up to the prior release. Frankly the absence of Audrey Tautou immediately makes this a lesser film. Not that I’ve seen either of them.

Knight & Day
Ugh. As if watching Tom Cruise playfully punch Cameron Diaz on the thigh during their cringeworthy appearance on Top Gear wasn’t bad enough. Now you can watch them do bad comedy and mediocre action for a full 109 minutes. You lucky bastards.

Step Up 3D
Street dancers go up against hip hop dancers in a high stakes dance showdown. Kinda like the previous two only…. IT’S IN 3D!!!!

Eccentricities Of A Blonde-Haired Girl (limited release)
At just over an hour long you certainly won’t get bored in this arty foreign film from a 100 year old director. This snippet from a BFI review makes me really want to see it; “Eccentricities of a Blonde-Haired Girl is at once a shaggy-dog story and a wry experiment in playing the codes of cinema and literature against each other.”

Undertow (limited release)
A Peruvian ghost story that somehow also involves a farmer, with a wife, struggling to deal with his male lover in a traditional town. Surely the whole having a wife issue is a struggle too?

I didn’t realise there was a sequel to Cats & Dogs but there must have been at some point because look what’s coming out today!

Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore
A cast of actors who frankly should know better bring us this thrilling follow up to the follow up to a film about the battle between cats and dogs in which they were all heavily armed. It’s more Toy Soldiers than Toy Story. I decided to read the full plot on wikipedia and be all wry about it but frankly it confused me a little so I will leave you with this little nugget, “There is a post-credits scene with Mr. Tinkles and the Calico.” Well worth sitting through the credits I say.

I’m afraid it’s one of those Fridays when I know none of the films and make a mess of Googling what they’re about. Enjoy!

Gainsbourg
A biopic of Serge Gainsbourg that looks rather good. A little bit sexy too if the picture above is anything to go by, it is French after all.

South of the Border
Oliver Stone has made a documentary in which he travels “across five countries to explore the social and political movements as well as the mainstream media’s misperception of South America while interviewing seven of its elected presidents.” Ooer.

Beautiful Kate (limited release)
An Australian drama about family secrets resurfacing when a writer returns to the family home to see his dying father. A bit grim.

Down Terrace (limited release)
A director of bad BBC Three comedy directs his first feature film, a comedy about criminals trying to uncover a police informant. If it’s good Ill eat my hat.*

Frontier Blues (limited release)
An Iranian film that doesn’t even have an entry on Wikipedia! Their Facebook claims the film is “the story of longing, waiting, remembering, desperate men and absent women.”

Separado! (limited release)
“The documentary centers on Gruff Rhys’s quest to meet up with his lost long Patagonian uncle, musician René Griffiths.” Apparently Gruff Rhys is a Super Furry Animal. I know so little about him, yet if I saw this film I’d know far too much. Alas.

*I reserve the right to wear a bread hat.

Ho hum. Nothing exciting happening today, just some childhood memories being ruined. Not my memories mind you, I’m far too young!

Karate Kid
Jackie Chan and Will Smith’s son, under the alias of Jaden Smith, remake this 80′s classic. Sure it will be well made, pretty to look at and a little nostalgic but ultimately it leaves you asking why it had to be made in the first place.

The A-Team
Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper, Quinton Jackson and Sharlto Copley remake this 80′s classic. Sure it will be well made, pretty to look at and a little nostalgic but ultimately it leaves you asking why it had to be made in the first place.

I’m off to see Toy Story 3. I’d rather a sequel than a remake.

It’s Friday and you know what Fridays mean… PRIZES! Well actually films are released on days like these but if you do want something for nothing you can still go claim your free paintball tickets from The Expendables. If you’d rather sit in the dark experiencing some kind of narrative than run around a forest this weekend, let’s see what’s coming out.

The Rebound
It’s a generic Romantic Comedy so you know my normal over the top sarcastic response. This one involves an older woman falling for a younger man. Hopefully Ms. Deschanel will watch and learn to not feel shame for out love.

Splice
Adrian Brody confuses everyone again and totally at some point has sex with a creature he and some woman make in a lab. Speaking of that woman, three times in the trailer they make it look like she might die, then immediately show her alive and well later on in the film. Who can I trick into seeing this with me?

Baarìa (limited release)
This is an “autobiographic epic of three generations in the Sicilian village where” writer/director Giuseppe Tornature grew up. I love the name Giuseppe.

City Island (limited release)
Hidden among the good foreign stuff is an American comedy starring Andy Garcia unravelling and such. While the clip shown on Top Gear looked rubbish this could actually be good as limited release comedies often are. This isn’t a solid rule though.

Ivul (limited release)
What’s that you say Lassie? “Part nightmare, part fantasy, Ivul tells the tale of Alex, who bizarrely moves out onto the roof of his house and refuses to come down after a false abuse accusation. From there, he watches the family he loves, but can’t live with, as it destroys itself from the inside out.” Thanks Lassie, that sounds pretty good.

Lassie may or may not be linked to IMDb.

Somehow one of this year’s biggest releases went and came out in cinemas without me noticing. I blame the fact that it’s been out in America for AGES!

Toy Story 3
Apparently the most efficiently tear jerking film to hit the silver screen this year come from some familiar faces, the faces of some toys. As Toy Story 2 proved that a sequel can be as good as it’s predecessor it seems the third installment is keeping audiences happy a whole fifteen years after the original. How do Pixar keep making great films I ask you, ignoring for a moment the travesty that was Cars. You’re probably going to see this, if not… oh.

Don’t hold out for The Rebound, the best film this week is already out!