Allow me to take a moment to draw your attention to the image above. Are you curious to see what it would be like if Adam Sandler was playing any of the characters in Carnage? Of course you are! Simple move your mouse over any of the faces above to see Adam Sandler take on that role. It may be some of my worst Photoshopping to date which is why I have compensated with some mouse hovering fun. And to think all I wanted to do was persuade you to see Martha Marcy May Marlene.

Jack and Jill
Let’s see if I can get through this synopsis without trying to end it all. Adam Sandler THE HORROR!!! plays a family man SAVE ME!!! at Thanksgiving GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!!! who is visited by his “needy and passive-aggressive” MAKE IT STOP!!! twin sister Jill, MY EYES!!! also played by Adam Sandler NOOOOOOOO!!!.

Man On A Ledge
What a catchy title. In this thriller Sam Worthington plays an ex-convict threatening to end it all. In a plot twist which has somehow become part of the marketing campaign (thanks poster and trailer guys!), it turns out that the man on a ledge is merely there to distract the police from a heist happening across the road.

Young Adult
Jason Reitman and Diablo Cody reunite for the first time since Juno with a film about a writer (Charlize Theron) who returns to her home town to get back together with an ex-boyfriend who is now married. Hopefully Reitman will help keep Young Adult from slipping from Juno quality towards Jennifer’s Body shoddiness.

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island
The Rock, Gabriella from High School Musical, Josh “Almost Spider-Man” Hutcherson and Michael Caine team up to ride around on giant bees. Seriously.

Carnage
Two groups of parents come together after their children get in a fight. What starts as a polite discussion soon descends into petty rivalries brought to life by a fantastic cast. From our review, “If you like to see four good actors having fun with a theatrical script that takes a swipe at middle class values then this is for you. Though if this applies to you, you’re most likely middle class, you hypocrite.”

Martha Marcy May Marlene (limited release)
Such a good film. First time writer/director Sean Durkin and fresh young face Elizabeth Olsen (yes, from THAT Olsen family) bring a harrowing film about a young woman’s time in a modern-day cult and her shaky return to family life afterwards. It may only be on limited release but I insist you seek out this film. Read our full review, most of the sentences make sense.

Bombay Beach (limited release)

Best Laid Plans (limited release)
Classic literature becomes gritty British drama in this adaptation of Of Mice and Men. Don’t worry, you don’t have to seek this one out.

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Chronicle
Stephen has seen this film and was going to review it but then dropped his laptop. In the meantime you can have me writing a slightly clueless synopsis and then trying to distract you with a trailer. What we have here is a found-footage film about three teenagers who get superpowers and do not use them wisely. Will that do for a synopsis? No? Hey look, a trailer:

A small message from Stephen while we wait for him to get his laptop fixed: “Get on seeing Chronicle by the way – smashing film.”

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The Descendants
With an overly confusing subplot about land ownership, Alexander Payne’s latest was in severe danger of losing me in its opening minutes. Luckily the main plot, in which a father reconnects with his two daughters as he hunts down the man who has been sleeping with his comatose wife (the affair was pre-coma, this isn’t Talk to Her), has enough humour and charm to save the film. From my review last October, “after the muddle at the start and a few awkward metaphors The Descendants comes together as a touching and hilarious family dramedy.”

Like Crazy
With a beautiful aesthetic, great cast, and improvised dialogue, Like Crazy is a naturalistic portrayal of a long distance relationship falling apart in spite of the deluded efforts of those involved. Sadly the realism of Like Crazy is almost too much, and I found myself as frustrated by the on-screen couple as I would be by any couple who are excessively in love and making a hash of it. My personal issues aside, this is not a terrible film and worth a look to see the moment that Felicity Jones truly arrives as an actress. Read the full review for more words, sentences, etc.

The Grey
Two hours of Liam Neeson fighting off wolves in Alaska. I had to choose between seeing this and going to a pub quiz, I think I made the right choice. SPOILER ALERT: Sarah Palin saves the day in the end, shooting down the wolves in her helicopter before throwing Neeson over her shoulder and carrying him away.

A Monster in Paris
French animated film about a monster (or giant flea) who falls in love with a cabaret singer and develops his musical abilities.

Intruders (limited release)
I think this is a horror movie starring Clive Owen in which a monster from his childhood starts to harass his young daughter. I can’t be quite sure though as the synopses on IMDb and Wikipedia are vague and confusing. HANG ON! Thanks to the BBFC I can now confirm that Intruders, “is a contemporary horror film about a monster that steals children’s faces.” As someone whose worst phobia is people with no faces I don’t think I could take this film.

House of Tolerance (limited release)
Your sexy film quota is filled this week by a French film focussing on the dynamics between women working in a Parisian brothel in the early 20th century. Expect sex, subtitles and presumably some more sex.

Acts of Godfrey (special release)
Who cares about the plot when this is the first film to be written entirely in rhyming couplets? Sadly only showing at the Vue in Shepherds Bush, you’ll need to make a special trip to see this unique British film.

Patience (After Sebald) (limited release)
“Patience (After Sebald) is a multi-layered film essay on landscape, art, history, life and loss by the acclaimed documentary film-maker Grant Gee. It is an exploration of the work and influence of German writer WG Sebald, told via a long walk through coastal East Anglia tracking his most famous book The Rings of Saturn.”

Mercenaries (limited release)
“Andy Marlow, an ex British S.A.S serviceman turned mercenary, is sent into the Balkans after a military coup has arisen to rescue a U.S ambassador and his aide.”

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Underworld: Awakening
I’m being strong and resisting making a cheap and obscure Coronation Street reference, you’re welcome. In the fourth of this series of vampire films I’ve never seen, Kate Beckinsale returns in tight black clothing to lead the battle against humankind.

J. Edgar
J. Edgar Hoover may or may not have been a transvestite but somehow I don’t think this Leonardo DiCaprio starring biopic directed by Clint Eastwood will feature him “wearing a fluffy pink dress with flounces and lace, stockings, high heels and a black curly wig” as Susan Rosenstiel claims he did over on Wikipedia. Beyond this odd bit of trivia this film does not interest me, sorry Clint.

W.E.
Possibly called W./E., this film is not making a name for itself by featuring bizarre levels of punctuation in its title, sadly the focus instead is on just how bad the whole ordeal is. Written and directed by Madonna, W.E. is so bad that BBC 2012‘s Danny Leigh said it made him want to set himself on fire. Grab some matches and get yourself down to your local cinema!

The Sitter (limited release)
Jonah Hill plays a suspended college student persuaded to babysit the kids next door. Madness ensues and Jonah Hill undoes all the good work he’s been doing in Allen Gregory.

L’Atalante (limited release)
This 1930′s French romantic drama has a tantalising write-up over at the BFI as they describe it as “funny, heart-rending, erotic, suspenseful, exhilaratingly inventive… Jean Vigo’s only full-length feature satisfies on so many levels, it’s no surprise it’s widely regarded as one of the greatest films ever made.” They are the only cinema showing the film though, so can they be trusted? Yes, they’re the BFI.

Coriolanus (limited release)
A bold debut by Ralph Fiennes as a director as he tackles one of Shakespeare’s lesser known plays about a soldier turned politician turned soldier. A thoroughly modern setting gels well with the ancient text and the film has an interesting blend of modern warfare and Shakespearian speech. I gave it a relatively positive review and the coveted Mild Concern award for Best Use of Jon Snow. Still yet to see this poster on the underground, how odd.

The Nine Muses (limited release)
“Part documentary, part personal essay, this experimental film combines archive imagery with the striking wintry landscapes of Alaska to tell the story of immigrant experience coming into the UK from 1960 onwards.” I’ll be honest, I get nervous whenever I see the term, “part documentary, part personal essay”.

Red Light Revolution (limited release)
Chinese comedy set in Beijing about a man who starts a sexual revolution after opening a sex shop to make ends meet.

X: Night of Vengeance (limited release)
Sticking with the limited release sex films, we have a “sizzling adults-only thriller” about two prostitutes “racing through Sydney’s criminal underworld in an attempt to stay alive”. Expect lots of violence and lots of sex.

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Haywire
Haywire is being called the female Bourne and, with a synopsis involving a super soldier seeking payback after she is betrayed, it’s not hard to see why. Admittedly I haven’t seen any of the Bourne films so can’t really judge. I have seen The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea though so you can hardly question my commitment to film. Because you may not recognise the female star Gina Carano (a former Gladiator) the male cast is a parade of big names including Fassbender, McGregor, Douglas, Tatum, Banderas and Paxton. Expect a woman to run around a lot injuring men with a variety of weapons and martial arts. Have a clip, I’m feeling generous:

That Michael Fassbender can’t be trusted with women.

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War Horse
Michael Morpurgo (who I met when I was about nine) wrote a book about a young man who joins the army to follow his horse after it is sold to the cavalry. The book was adapted into an acclaimed stage show and is now a “major motion picture” directed by Stephen Spielberg that looks so epic, worthy and heart-warming I’m left completely numb.

Shame
Considering the amount of hits my discussion of this film has had from nudity seekers with poor Google skills, I think people may be expecting a sexy romp with nakedness aplenty. While the nudity quota certainly seems to be present, what we have here is a serious drama about a sex addict so may be more grim and less sexy than you expect. Go for the nudity and stay for the quality film-making. Probably one to take your “bit of stuff” to rather than your partner, or your gran. This is not a film about love and fidelity.

Margin Call
An impressive cast of TV faces and Kevin Spacey tell the story of the first 24 hours of the financial crisis. According to IMDb the film contains 85 swear words, but two of those are “ass” which hardly counts. Since first writing this dismissive summary I have heard lots of good feedback about this film, so give it a go if bleak sex and horse-love aren’t your cup of tea.

The Darkest Hour (limited release)
Remember how good Emile Hirsch was in Into the Wild and Milk? Well, hold onto those memories as now he is starring in a 3D film in which “five young people lead the charge against an alien race who have attacked Earth via our power supply.” Expect lots of frantic unplugging… IN 3D!!!

Tatsumi (limited release)
“A story based on the life and short stories of Yoshihiro Tatsumi, a mangaka known for his gekiga style of alternate Japanese manga.” I gave gekiga a tentative Google and apparently it just means “dramatic pictures” distinguishing them from other Manga or “irresponsible pictures”. Phew, no tentacles.

A Useful Life (limited release)
“A movie-theater employee adjusts to a new life after the cinema he worked at for over 25 years is forced to shut down.” Let’s hope he doesn’t go around killing people and stealing their ears as that would be surprisingly boring.

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The Iron Lady
Fact or fiction, this dramatisation of the life of Margaret Thatcher will draw attention simply from the powerful performance by Meryl Streep in the lead role. Whether the director of Mamma Mia can pull off a serious film is yet to be seen. Bonus points for having Anthony Stewart Head (Giles from Buffy) in a prominent role.

Goon
For something a little more lighthearted, Seann William Scott leads the cast in a sports comedy about a bouncer who joins a semi-pro hockey team. Expect blood on the ice and jokes about penises.

Mother and Child (limited release)
Emotions all over the place as big names (Naomi Watts, Samuel L. Jackson and Annette Bening) star in a “drama centered around three women: A 50-year-old woman, the daughter she gave up for adoption 35 years ago, and an African American woman looking to adopt a child of her own.”

Despair (limited release)
Re-release of 70′s drama involving Russians, Nazis and chocolate. A Russian goes insane and plans to disappear with the help of a life insurance policy and a laborer he falsely believes to be his double.

The Artist
Leave me alone, the mere sight of an ad for this film in Euston yesterday was enough to give me a shiver. Today The Artist moves from just one cinema to many more screens across the country. The best film of 2011 will be the most fun you have on the big screen in 2012. Not to be missed, and I’m talking directly to you. Take me with you, I can’t wait to see this again.

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The Lady
“The story of pro-democracy activist Aung San Suu Kyi and the academic and writer Michael Aris; a true story of love set against political turmoil.”

The Artist (Vue West End only)
The fact that this French silent film about Hollywood during the demise of the silent era is getting a UK-wide release is a testament to just how joyful it is. I loved it so much I gave it the “Best of the Fest” award at this year’s London Film Festival. You will leave the cinema with a huge grin on your face and won’t shut up about the experience at whatever New Years Eve party you attend. Opens nationwide next week.

Hannah and Her Sisters (BFI only)
The BFI begin their Woody Allen retrospective with this multi-Oscar winning comedy drama about one woman’s husbands and their love for her two sisters.

Zelig (BFI Only)
More Allen in the form of a faux-documentary about a human chameleon who can take on the appearance of anyone who is around him.

GO SEE THE ARTIST!!!

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The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Last year David Fincher directed my second favourite film of 2011, and this epic re-adaptation looks every bit as textured and stylish as The Social Network. Anyone unburdened by children this Boxing Day should go and see what promises to be the penultimate great film of 2011. Daniel Craig and Rooney Mara star in this adult thriller as a journalist teams up with a computer hacker to hunt down a woman who has been missing for forty years.

Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol
Ethan Hunt tries to act surprised when he is forced to go rogue after IMF is shut down after being implicated in a terrorist attack. The violence here will be much more family friendly, and it’s worth mentioning that Simon Pegg is involved… job done. Stephen saw it and loved it, so it has our seal of approval.

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Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows
“Sherlock is back.” “Hurrah!” “No, not Cumberbatch.” “Oh.” “Precisely.” Ever since Steven Moffat showed us how good a Sherlock Holmes adaptation can be, and on a TV budget too, Guy Ritchie’s effort is looking less and less impressive. Still, this version has Stephen Fry and is perfect for a family trip to the cinema.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chip-Wrecked (limited release)
Precisely what no family should go and see together, it will insult the children’s intelligence and assault the parent’s senses. While on a cruise the chipmunks fall overboard and end up on a not-so-deserted island.

Dreams of a Life (limited release)
In 2006 the body of a young woman was found in her bedsit. She had died three years previously and had seemingly left this world without anyone taking notice. This documentary promises an intriguing look at how someone’s death can go unnoticed by everyone in their life. When was the last time you saw your neighbour?

Magic To Win (limited release)
According to a person on IMDb this is a “fitfully amusing reboot of the Happy Ghost series that is an unwieldy blend of the old-school humour of the series and modern-day fantasy elements à la Harry Potter”

Meet Me in St. Louis (limited release)
The BFI continue their re-release of classic MGM musicals with this Judy Garland vehicle about four sisters preparing to move to New York, singing songs and falling in love.

Wreckers (limited release)
Speaking of Benedict Cumberbatch, he co-stars in this romantic drama about trying to start a family while the husband deals with a troubled relationship between himself and his brother.

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Puss in Boots
Antonio Banderas’ Puss in Boots gets a prequel to cover the time he spent before appearing in Shrek 2 in a film the critics say has, “an abundance of wit, visual sparkle, and effervescent charm.”

Another Earth (limited release)
Rhoda is involved in a fatal car crash when it is announced on the radio that a mirror version of Earth has been discovered approaching our planet. Struggling with the guilt of killing a mother and son in the crash, Rhoda becomes preoccupied with the idea of the second Earth on which exists an alternate version of herself, identical up to the point of discovery. Did her mirror self make the same mistake and cause an accident too? Cannot wait to see this one.

The Well Digger’s Daughter (limited release)
“A father in pre-WWII France is torn between his sense of honour and his deep love for his saintly daughter when she gets in trouble with the wealthy son of a shopkeeper.”

Mysteries of Lisbon (limited release)
“Follows a jealous countess, a wealthy businessman, and a young orphaned boy across Portugal, France, Italy and Brazil where they connect with a variety of mysterious individuals.” Lives up to the mysterious nature suggested by the title. With this being a Portuguese film the likelihood of us seeing this is dramatically increased; we have a track record.

A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas (limited release)
Harold, Kumar and Neil Patrick Harris return in some kind of Christmas adventure involving weed, nudity and the wonderful abuse of 3D.

Barely Legal (limited release)
Another straight to video American film somehow creeps its way into UK cinemas. Three (female) best friends born on the same day try to lose their virginity at a joint 18th birthday party.

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New Year’s Eve
It’s amazing that a film with a cast consisting of at least 18 actors, many of which could almost be described as A-listers, includes not a single one at the top of their game right now. Instead we have a mix of TV actors trying to break out and former film stars struggling to remain relevant. Following on in a similar vein to the mind-numbing Valentine’s Day, this film follows a myriad of couples on New Year’s Eve. Tedious links will join the couples and in a similar way the audience will be united in an overwhelming sense of rage towards the film they are watching. A great date movie if you happen to be dating the criminally bland.

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The Thing
A prequel (not a remake) to the 1982 classic, we see just what went on in the Norwegian camp before it became the charred, bloody mess we saw in the original. Worth seeing for a bit of Mary Elizabeth Winstead and deciding whether CGI can match extreme puppetry.

Happy Feet Two
The original was an all-singing, all-dancing penguin adventure turned environmental message film. While Mumble struggled to sing and started a dancing craze amongst the penguins, his son struggles to dance. This plot reversal reminds me of The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea. Not that I’ve seen it. Obviously.

Hugo
“Set in 1930s Paris, an orphan who lives in the walls of a train station is wrapped up in a mystery involving his late father and an automaton.” I’m not sure either but this marks Scorsese’s debut into the world of 3D children’s films and has a message of preserving films. Curious.

The Big Year (limited release)
Steve Martin, Jack Black and Owen Wilson are rival bird watchers in this comedy we should already start trying to forget.

Romantics Anonymous (limited release)
Two highly emotional and pathologically timid French people fall in love in this quirky romantic comedy. Plenty of chocolate is involved. Amélie meets Chocolat.

Ghett’a Life (limited release)
“An “against the odds” action drama set in a politically turbulent inner city community of Kingston. Derrick, a determined inner city teenager realizes his dream of becoming a champion boxer despite a country, community and family conflicted by divisive political system.” Not another Cool Runnings then?

The Last Waltz (limited release)
Scorsese goes for a double with a re-release of this late-seventies documentary about the last concert of The Band.

We Have a Pope (limited release)
Italian comedy-drama in which a newly elected pope struggles to deal with the unexpected situation of being the pontiff with the help of his therapist.

Las Acacias (limited release)
This Spanish-language film has a synopsis on IMDb which I completely failed to understand. Summarise it for me and I’ll buy you a Curly Wurly.

Camp Hell (limited release)
Advertised as starring Jesse Eisenberg when in reality he only has a brief cameo, presumably filmed before he became famous. Eisenberg wants so little to do with this film he is suing the distributors.

Surviving Life (limited release)
Czech comedy mixing live action with cut-out animation using photographs, about a man living a double life in his dream. Like Goodnight Sweetheart but not nearly so bad.

Margaret (limited release)
Set for release over four years ago this film must have given up hope by now. Anna Paquin stars as a teenage girl worried she may have caused a bus accident. A cast including Matt Damon, Kieran Culkin, Allison Janney, Mark Ruffalo and Jean Reno make you wonder what held this film back for so long.

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That Girl in Yellow Boots (limited release)
With a Sunday release leaving one day in its opening weekend, this is one film not chasing box office success. A British woman goes to India in search of her father and has a traumatic (18 certificate rated) time going about it. As a Sunday treat, here’s a trailer:

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Moneyball
It’s Oscar season! With this being a baseball movie I am at a loss to try to comprehend the plot. What I can say is that this film stars Brad Pitt, Jonah Hill, Robin Wright and Philip Seymour Hoffman and yet none of these are the most exciting cast member, that title belongs to Chris Pratt. Pratt is an amazing comedic actor, keep your eyeballs on him.

The Deep Blue Sea
Sadly not involving hyper-intelligent killer sharks. Instead a poorly reviewed romantic period drama starring Tom Hiddleston and Rachel Weisz.

50/50
To quote my rave review (cruelly left off the film’s poster): “In short, a moving and hilarious film about living with cancer. Who knew a Seth Rogan project would almost make me cry?” Fans of indie drama and broad comedy can unite and see who lasts the longest without crying.

My Week with Marilyn
Michelle Williams is Marilyn Monroe! Kenneth Branagh is Sir Laurence Olivier! Emma Watson is some random costume woman called Lucy! Eddie Redmayne is the lead! You know him! He was in an episode of Doctors eight years ago!

Dream House
Rachel Weisz (again) stars in this horror alongside her new husband Daniel Craig. Apparently this is the film where they moved from friends to friends with a serious commitment to one another, so there’s something to look out for if the plot is a little lack-lustre.

Take Shelter (limited release)
In my (mostly) rave review I used phrases like, “infinitely better than Evan Almighty“, “Shannon is brilliant”, “a clever, well told story” and “an enthralling watch and a great showcase for Michael Shannon”. Michael Shannon plays a man who thinks the world is going to end and then it either does or doesn’t. If your local cinema isn’t showing this film, move.

An African Election (limited release)
“An African Election is a political documentary that exposes the never-before-seen, nitty-gritty of political electioneering in Africa.”

Resistance (limited release)
“In 1944 a group of women in an isolated Welsh village wake up to discover all of their husbands have mysteriously vanished.” Oooh a thriller. Shame this will be overshadowed in this over-saturated week of releases. A cast of Iwan Rheon, Michael Sheen and Andrea Riseborough is worth leaving the house for.

We Were Here (limited release)
A moving look at the arrival and impact of AIDS in San Francisco. Sadly only showing at the ICA, why not work it into a trip to see where the Queen lives?

Revenge: A Love Story (limited release)
Quirky romantic comedy in which a man’s girlfriend is raped by a psychotic killer leaving him to seek revenge.

Parked (limited release)
“Fred Daly returns to Ireland with nowhere to live but his car. Then dope-smoking 21-year-old Cathal parks beside him, and brightens up his lonely world. Encouraged by Cathal, Fred meets attractive music teacher Jules. Growing closer, these three outsiders are set on a course that will change their lives forever.” WARNING! The synopsis on the official website includes that most familiar of phrases, “forms an unlikely friendship”.

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