Battleship
You aren’t imagining this. They really have adapted a children’s game into a sci-fi action film starring Liam Neeson and Rihanna. RIHANNA! Can’t wait for the scene where they try to defeat the aliens by blindly firing missiles at the Ocean. If Liam Neeson doesn’t say “you sunk my battleship” demand your money back.
Titanic 3D
See the unsinkable ship sink in 3D! See Jack and Rose frolic, fornicate, and freeze to death! Remind yourself that James Cameron once made decent films and then marvel at how he has ruined it all by retrofitting Titanic with 3D.
Headhunters
Norwegian thriller in which an “accomplished headhunter risks everything to obtain a valuable painting owned by a former mercenary.” And when they say headhunter they actually do mean a recruitment consultant, who knew they led such exciting lives?
The Cold Light of Day
“After his family is kidnapped during their sailing trip in Spain, a young Wall Street trader is confronted by the people responsible: intelligence agents looking to recover a mysterious briefcase.” What!? It may be because I’m half asleep but that synopsis does nothing for me. Give them the suitcase and get your family back, don’t be a jerk.
La Grande Illusion (limited release)
Re-release of 1937 French film about two French soldiers in a German POW camp. My favourite part of the synopsis is the phrase “a seemingly impenetrable fortress which seems impossible to escape from”. I wonder if that fortress is easy to access?
This Must Be the Place (limited release)
Sean Penn plays a former rock star on a road trip to find the ex-Nazi who executed his father. Finally the showdown between a Nazi and Sean Penn in lipstick and a wig I’ve been waiting for.
Le Havre (limited release)
A French shoe shiner forms an unlikely friendship with an African boy when he arrives alone on a cargo ship in Le Havre. Could this be this week’s The Kid With a Bike, if so I will intend to see it but never quite manage to.
Return (limited release)
Soldier returns from the army and struggled to settle back into normal life so starts dressing her pets up in tiny flak jackets and makes them hold tiny guns. Some of that I made up.
North Sea Texas (limited release)
Dutch film about a teenage boy who falls for the boy next door. This is the perfect film to use to come out to the neighbour you’re in love with. Terry, I’m coming for you!
A Cat in Paris (limited release)
Short and stylish French animation about a rooftop adventure in Paris. Forget Le Havre, this is the French film I’m going to fail to see this week. I need to go to the cinema more.
666: The Prophecy (limited release)
“After the death of his wife and child, an author travels to Barcelona to see his estranged brother and dying father, where he learns that his life is plagued by events that occur on 11/11/11.” Surprisingly in most countries this came out on 11/11/11 and was called 11-11-11. We’ve just got to be different.
A Gang Story/Les Lyonnais (limited release)
Long-winded synopsis here. Something about a gypsy camp and someone stealing cherries. I’m going to return to my slumber now.
Mirror Mirror
After its awful trailer was panned by everyone from me to the film’s director it is a little surprising that the film is getting a fair amount of positive reviews. No matter how good or bad this camp re-imagining of Snow White will always be missing one thing, Felicity Jones.
Wrath of the Titans
Those pesky titans are back and this time they’re filled with wrath. I have no idea what happened in Clash of the Titans nor do I remotely understand the plot of this sequel. We can only hope that Liam Neeson gets a line half as good as in the previous film. Now it’s time to have a debate in your office over how you pronounce “wrath”.
StreetDance 2
If there was ever a franchise I understood less than Titans it would be this one about street dancers. All I know is that people dance at each other in a competitive fashion. That and Liam Neeson is sadly absent from the cast.
Into The Abyss: A Tale Of Death, A Tale Of Life (limited release)
Werner Herzog’s latest is a chilling documentary about a triple murder, the victim’s family, the men convicted of the crime and those who must execute them. I caught this at last year’s London Film Festival and described it as thought-provoking and easily the best documentary of the festival.
Tiny Furniture (limited release)
Quirky comedy about a recent graduate forced to move back home while she sorts her life out. Quirky.
Bonsái (limited release)
“A young writer recounts an earlier romance in hopes of attracting his new love interest.” Let’s hope the woman he is wooing doesn’t mind him talking incessantly about his ex.
The Island President (limited release)
Documentary about President Mohamed Nasheed of the Maldives and his fight to keep the islands from disappearing under the sea. I guess moving isn’t an option?
Babycall (limited release)
Noomi Rapace (the original girl with the dragon tattoo) plays a beaten wife seeking refuge with her son who starts to pick up sounds of a child in trouble on her baby monitor (or babycall).
Corpo celeste (limited release)
“Thirteen year-old Marta has recently moved back to southern Italy with her mother and older sister and struggles to find her place, restlessly testing the boundaries of an unfamiliar city and the catechism of the Catholic church.”
The Emperor and the White Snake (limited release)
“Action director Ching Siu-Tung helms this fantasy film based on an old Chinese legend about an herbalist who falls in love with a thousand-year-old White Snake disguised as a woman. Jet Li stars as a sorcerer who discovers her true identity and battles to save the man’s soul.”
Breaking Wind (London only)
If Vampires Suck wasn’t enough Twilight satire for you here’s a second parody film to sink your teeth into. SINK YOUR TEETH INTO! LMFAO!!
Switch (London only)
IMDb helpfully has a synopsis translated into English from the French Wikipedia entry by Jamy_Kayleigh. Good old Jamy_Kayleigh. More exciting than this (imagine!) is that Eric Cantona co-stars.
This Is Not a Film (London West End only)
Smuggled out of Iran in a cake this documentary was made by Iranian director Jafar Panahi whilst under house arrest and having been banned from making films until 2030. The film follows a day in the life of Panahi as he films himself not making films.
Guess where in this post I became so exhausted by the number of films and gave up writing anything of interest.
The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists
Ooh a lovely bit of claymation from Aardman. It is your duty as a Brit to see this family comedy about a pirate captain struggling to win the coveted Pirate of the Year Award who teams up with Charles Darwin to win the Scientist of the Year Award instead. The voice cast is groaning with British talent including Hugh Grant, David Tennant, Russell Tovey, Brendan Gleeson, Martin Freeman, Imelda Staunton and Lenny Henry (I ran out of names at the end there). It may be a U certificate film but the BBFC promises “very mild language, violence, threat and innuendo”. I love a bit of innuendo.
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