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The Hunger Games
It’s the new teen literature film adaptation franchise hoping to charm money from our pockets and get us all giddy about a fantastical world where good struggles against evil. In a dystopian future each year 12 young people are selected to fight to the death for the amusement of everyone else. Kat liked the film calling it “solid and well-made, it’s a satisfying couple of hours of entertainment but it doesn’t stay with you”. If you want to chat to/up a young person make sure you see this.

Act Of Valour
Film about Navy SEALS trying to recover a kidnapped CIA agent. They are making a big deal about having used real Navy SEALS to play the characters but honestly I’d have preferred it if they had used real seals instead. See image above for an idea of what this film would be like.

Wild Bill
Dexter Fletcher (Press Gang/Hotel Babylon/that one time I saw him in Leicester Square) makes his directorial debut with a gritty British drama about a man coming out of prison, having to become a dad and struggling to avoid his old life of crime. With 100% positive reviews on Rotten Tomatoes they might want to get a better poster or people (OK me) are likely to underestimate it.

The Kid with a Bike (limited release)
Foreign film I want to see alert! A young boy abandoned by his father hunts down one last symbolic link to his father, his bike. He also starts an unlikely friendship (yes, another one of those) with a hairdresser. Clearly I have no real grasp of the plot, something I hope to rectify by actually seeing the film.

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21 Jump Street
A surprisingly well reviewed remake of the late 80s Johnny Depp comedy about cops sent undercover in a high school. A comedy remake starring Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum with a score of 85% on Rotten Tomatoes, who’d have thunk it?

We Bought a Zoo
Cameron Crowe finally returns from seven years of pretending that Elizabethtown never happened with a family friendly film about a family who buy a zoo complete with its own Scarlett Johansson. Coming from the man behind Almost Famous this is a little underwhelming.

Contraband
“To protect his brother-in-law from a drug lord, a former smuggler heads to Panama to score millions of dollars in counterfeit bills.” It sounds like a terrible idea to me but then this film stars Mark Wahlberg – a man who thought The Happening was a good idea (Zooey Deschanel was clearly tricked).

The Devil Inside
Fake documentary about a woman investigating exorcisms after her Mother kills three people while being… exorcised(?). This film having been universally panned by critics you’d be better off seeing The Last Exorcism for your fake-documentary-about-exorcism needs.

In Darkness (limited release)
A film I have seen and liked! Jews hide from Nazis in the sewers of a Polish city in a film I described as powerful, dark and ultimately beautiful. I also called it long and Polish but there we go.

Bill Cunningham New York (limited release)
I don’t know much about Bill Cunningham, noted veteran New York City fashion photographer, beyond the fact that he is eternally moving in a particularly snazzy animated gif. Anything else you need to know… go see this documentary and stop bugging me.

Once Upon a Time in Anatolia (limited release)
A group of men go out looking for a dead body on the Anatolian steppe. I have no idea why, Google it yourself. I don’t even know what the Anatolian steppe is. I don’t even know what a steppe is. State school education has failed me.

How to Re-Establish a Vodka Empire (limited release)
Bizarrely niche how-to guide or documentary following film director Dan Edelstyn as he tries to relaunch his great grandfather’s vodka empire.

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Sondheim’s Company (selected cinemas, one night only)
For one night only various cinemas are showing a pre-recorded live performance of the Tony award-winning musical, Sondheim’s Company. With a cast including Neil Patrick Harris, Christina Hendricks, Stephen Colbert and Martha Plimpton this is a very tempting proposition.

Four Horsemen (limited release)
“Four Horsemen is the debut feature from director Ross Ashcroft which reveals the fundamental flaws in the economic system which have brought our civilization to the brink of disaster. 23 leading thinkers – frustrated at the failure of their respective disciplines – break their silence to explain how the world really works.” Fingers crossed they figure out how to fix everything.

The Other Side of Sleep (limited release)
A sleepwalker finds herself in a field next to a dead woman. As her waking and sleeping realities begin to blur she finds herself drawn the the family of the dead woman, all the while feeling as through someone is watching her every move.

John Carter
Disney try their hand at making Avatar with the story of John Carter, a former soldier who must fight to save a princess on Mars, a planet populated by giant creatures.

The Raven
Fictional account of the final days of Edgar Allen Poe as he investigates a series of murders inspired by his writings. Considering that the synopsis includes the words “the final days”, I imagine things don’t end well for Poe.

Bel Ami
Essentially a fantasy come true for middle-aged Twilight fans as Robert Pattinson plays a young man in Paris rising to power by sleeping with a series of older women.

Cleanskin
Sean Bean plays a “secret service agent faced with the task of pursuing and eliminating a suicide bomber and his terrorist cell”. Liam Neeson must have been busy.

The Decoy Bride (limited release)
David Tennant and Kelly Macdonald lower themselves with a mediocre romantic comedy involving a decoy bride, an accidental marriage and some dodgy accents.

Trishna (limited release)
Imagine Tess of the d’Urbervilles, a tragic tale of love, loss and betrayal (from what I remember of the ITV adaptation), set in India and directed by Michael Winterbottom. I’d be able to tell you what it was like if I was better disciplined and hadn’t gotten distracted by other things all week.

Payback Season (limited release)
“If the payment stops, the football stops…” Possibly the most obscure synopsis I’ve ever read. They lost me at “football”.

Ordet (limited release)
Two hour Danish film from 1955 exploring faith, prayer and miracles. Good luck.

Hard Boiled Sweets (limited release)
“No soft centres.” Looks like the synopsis for Payback Season has been beaten!

A Man’s Story (limited release)
Documentary about fashion designer Ozwald Boateng, whoever that is.

Wanderlust
Jennifer Aniston and Paul Rudd are a couple struggling with their finances after losing their jobs. Naturally they then join a hippy commune and we can all enjoy the roflcopter this inspires. You’ve got to love topical humour; bloody hippies eh?

This Means War
Tom Hardy and Chris Pine are two CIA operatives fighting for the love of Reese Witherspoon in an action comedy described by Stephen as a “hoot”. This week I am using my pointless photoshopping to highlight the pointless photoshopping on the UK poster for This Means War – they were so lazy they used the same body for both male leads. I’m amazed Witherspoon’s red dress isn’t being worn underneath the same pinstripe suit.

Project X
Three teens try to throw the ultimate house party and it all goes horribly right. Drugs! Drink! Boobs! Flames! Gnome! Dwarf! Music! Pool! Dog abuse! Swearing! An escalating disaster without depth, plot or character!

Hunky Dory
Minnie Driver is a drama teacher in 1976. To inspire her students she puts on a musical production of The Tempest using popular music to tell the story. If it’s not Return to the Forbidden Planet, I’m not watching.

Khodorkovsky (limited release)
I present a brilliantly confusing synopsis from IMDb courtesy of Anonymous, “Khodorkovsky, the richest Russian, challenges President Putin. A fight of the titans begins. Putin warns him. But Khodorkovsky comes back to Russia knowing that he will be imprisoned, once he returns. When I heard about it, I asked myself: why didn’t he stay in exile with a couple of billions? Why did he do that? A personal journey to Khodorkovsky.” Why did he do that?

Carancho (limited release)
Romantic Argentinian drama; a love story between a doctor and an ambulance chasing lawyer.

Michael (limited release)
Any film about the five months in which a paedophile keeps a 10-year-old boy locked in his basement is hard to describe as a must see, but from what I’ve heard this film about the five months in which a paedophile keeps a 10-year-old boy locked in his basement is a must see.

If Not Us, Who? (limited release)
German drama spanning the 1940s and 1960s dealing with lots of heavy political issues. No wonder then that the single plot keyword offered up on IMDb is “Male Frontal Nudity”. God bless IMDb, categorising films in all manner of ways since 1990.

Blank City (limited release)
A documentary of New York City art, music, and film from the late 1970s and 1980s.

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