Infrequently Asked Questions 2012

Shame Full Frontal

People of the internet find Mild Concern through a wide variety of search terms and one of the more curious ways I spend my time is keeping an eye on what people Google to end up on this humble blog. I do feel sorry for a large number of Googlers when I can see that they aren’t going to find what they searched for here.

By far the most popular unsuccessful search the film fans of the world embarked on was trying to find some images of the nudity in Shame. They wanted to see Michael Fassbender and, to a lesser extent, Carey Mulligan in the all-together and were surely disappointed to find not a single bit of genitalia on display. I apologise to you, the internet, and to make it up to you I will now answer a selection of questions people entered into Google in 2012 which led them erroneously to Mild Concern. Now if they do their search again their questions will be answered.

All of these questions are genuine, and tell you a lot about the world today…

Is The Skin I Live In in English? No, it is in Spanish and is not for the squeamish.

How old is Yoda’s actor now? Frank Oz is 68.

Is that a wig? No, my hair is all natural.

Is there nudity in 388 Arletta Avenue? No. It does contain “one scene of strong gore and horror”.

How many times is “Harry Potter” said in the movies? I counted 107 but then I did fall asleep a lot.

Is Die Hard a survival movie? I guess so… although I’d say a survival movie would be someone battling against nature or the supernatural not Alan Rickman with a dodgy accent.

Is Cool Runnings a Christmas film? It is in my family.

Why is Rupert Giles called Ripper? Giles gained the nickname Ripper in his younger days when dabbling in the dark arts with five friends. Presumably it is an allusion to Jack the Ripper.

When is Fast Girls out on DVD? It’s out! Sorry we didn’t get to this question sooner.

Where was We Built a Zoo filmed? We Bought a Zoo was filmed in California.

Heroes Season 3 what is with Claire’s hair? Hayden Panettiere cut her hair and so had to wear a terrible, terrible wig.

What is the twist in Cabin in the Woods? There isn’t one.

What episodes of Misfits have sex in them? A lot of them so I wouldn’t watch if you’re too prudish nor skip any episode for fear of a sex deficit.

What football team does Nicholas Hoult support? I don’t know. I’m really sorry.

Who is on the front of After Porn Ends? Mary Carey

Why do people like Doctor Who? It is scary, funny, and has a lot of heart. Also, Karen Gillan is hot.

Is the Life of Pi film made not in non 3D? It was made in 3D so… yes? 3D is not in non 3D.

Why don’t people like Dr Who? They find it childish, silly, and irritating? Stephen knows.

Does After Porn Ends have nudity? Yes. Not one for the family.

How big is Kevin Smith’s fan base approximately? He has over 2 million Twitter followers and one fan who thinks I am a parasite.

How violent is Sightseers? Violent in short bursts with plenty of blood and caved-in skulls. All the deaths are swift though, this is no Hostel.

What happened to Cameron Crowe? He returned! With We Bought a Zoo and Pearl Jam Twenty. I saw neither.

How accurate is Lawless movie? It doesn’t matter, the film is boring as hell.

Is Ethan Hunt married in Ghost Protocol? Yes, to Julia Meade played by Michelle Monaghan.

Is Michael Cera mean? He seems lovely.

Is NOW TV worth it? Certainly not. Though they provide lots of lovely cocktails.

What is the guy’s name from Footloose that plays on Third Rock from the Sun? John Lithgow

Where can I see the complete pilot episode of BBC Lizzie and Sarah? Nowhere legal I’m afraid. Ask your most internet savvy friend and see if they can help.

Is there a disorder consisting of rape, dismembering, necrophilia, and cannibalism? I don’t think that is a disorder. That is you doing unthinkable sexual things to someone before and after killing them and then eating the remains. GET HELP!

How violent is the film I, Anna? “In one scene of violence a man and woman fight before a heavy ornament is used to strike a blow to the head. In another scene the victim of a violent death is found lying on a heavily bloodstained carpet with a bloodied face.”

What is pyjamas party? Attractive young women spend the night together gossiping, playing games, and fighting with pillows in slow motion and skimpy pyjamas. That or you stay up all night watching films at the Prince Charles cinema.

What’s the film about couple gets handcuffed together at a music festival? You Instead

I hope that clears things up. (If you want to see Fassbender’s penis Google will show it to you. The thing terrifies me.)

The Mother of All Film Lists

In honour of Mothers Day I asked the woman to blame for who I am today for her top five films. Naturally she came back with ten films, which I can’t bring myself to cut down to five. The list below shows where my good taste in film, and random hatred of actors, came from.

If you’re looking to buy a film for your mum, maybe look beyond the special Mother’s day stand, she deserves better than Tamara Drewe or Life as We Know It.

Philadelphia
Very moving film – 1st mainstream film (as far as I know) to deal with AIDS, homophobia and discrimination.

Mamma Mia!
Exact opposite – pure feel-good cheese!

The Jungle Book
Best cartoon film from childhood – great songs and good story

E.T. – The Extra Terrestrial
Funny and moving – lesson in having to let someone go that you love

Gregory’s Girl
Charming teen movie – gently funny – showing that you often look in the wrong place for love

Four Weddings & A Funeral
Despite Andie MacDowell – subtle British comedy with one of the most moving funeral scenes

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
Despite Jim Carrey (actually good in this) – surreal, thought provoking and romantic

Shirley Valentine
Escapism for middle-aged women (although I wasn’t middle-aged at the time!) – realistic representation of home-life of many women at the time, and had happy ending without relying on the romance.

The Sixth Sense
Well-acted, and one of the best surprise endings

Cool Runnings
Light-relief, but still inspiring – I liked it particularly because I remember the actual race and the amazement that Jamaica had put out a team

15 Christmas Films You Must Watch This Weekend

As this is a movie blog we are obligated to list our favourite Christmas films so I’ve rooted out my carefully crafted DVD collection that will be with me every Christmas. You may notice that this list does not include many favourites and has a few non-Christmas films. There is no real order to the list, sorry.

Elf
A modern classic! Heart-warming and funny in the right measures. The cherry on top is a combination of Zooey Deschanel and Peter Dinklage.

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
Chevy Chase back in his prime with a hit and miss comedy about family getting together for Christmas. The cat in the box always gets me.

Die Hard
hey, it is set at Christmas. “Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho.” Anyone?

Scrooged
Our first Bill Murray performance on the list and a warped take on A Christmas Carol. At times irritating, with plenty of laughs this film ends with a monologue to warm the cockles of your heart. Do hearts have cockles?

The Santa Clause
Surely Tim Allen’s best work? Lovely seasonal tale that helps make sense of Santa. I have not seen the sequels so lets pretend they don’t exist.

Black Christmas
The original Canadian version isn’t great but brought us the original “the call is coming from inside the house.” The remake is even worse but has some sexy ladies, a Trachtenberg and Winstead to be precise.

The Snowman
The shortest of the list but a Christmas essential. With a sad, sad ending.

Home Alone
One I haven’t seen for years but I’m sure the comedy still stands up today, right?

Gremlins
Funny, moving and adorable creature feature. The love interest’s story of her dad in the chimney will always bring about an inappropriate Christmas chuckle.

The Muppet Christmas Carol
Some of the finest Christmas songs come from this and Michael Caine’s best performance.

Cool Runnings
Not set at Christmas but the abundance of snow and family friendly laughs make this a must for a lazy afternoon at Christmas.

Groundhog Day
Again it’s not Christmas exactly but it’s so damned Christmassy! It’s all about learning to not be selfish and to love one another. Also hilarious.

The Grinch
A controversial choice, either hailed as genius or rubbish. hard to believe that little girl is now Taylor Momsen, a 17 year old who dresses like an oversexed tramp.

Edward Scissorhands
Do I need to justify this? It is undeniably Tim Burton and undeniably filled with the Christmas spirit.

The Nightmare Before Christmas
Perfect for either Halloween or Christmas though with a message of Christmas cheer and some great Christmas songs there’s no better time to watch.