Infrequently Asked Questions 2013

Michael Fassbender Pianist

Following the success of last year’s Infrequently Asked Questions I have decided to repeat the exercise in the hopes of satisfying lost Googlers. The concept is simple, I trawl through all the search terms from 2013 that lead to this site and answer any questions people had that they would not have found the answer to on Mild Concern. The only questions I will ignore are people looking for various actors in a state of undress; there is a limit to what I will do for hits.

As with last year the most popular search query was people searching for nude pictures of Michael Fassbender, pictures that sound very similar to how you might describe the above picture… For the full stats on that particular search term see the pie chart at the end of this post.

Did the actors play their instruments in A Late Quartet? The cast studied their instruments to at least look like they were playing them but no, it is not their playing that you hear in the film.

Anyone know the sunglasses Giovanni Ribisi wore in Gangster Squad? Not entirely sure but he is the face of Barton Perreira eyewear. Apparently.

Are there snakes in The Hunger Games? Look carefully in the credits and you’ll find Jonwilder Lee Bartlett credited as “snake wrangler”. But can I remember any snakes? No.

Does After Porn Ends show nudity? Yes. You all asked this last year. IT IS A FILM ABOUT PORN STARS!!!

Does Claire wear a wig in Lost? Not at first but in flashbacks she certainly does and from memory she wears one on the island in later years. Sometimes an actress cuts her hair. Things happen.

How much swearing is in Philomena? Let’s ask the BBFC: “There are two uses of strong language (‘f**k’). Milder language includes the terms ‘bloody’, ‘crap’; ‘fecking’, ‘shit’, ‘shite’ and ‘tits’.”

How much of Philomena is based on fact? Most of it. Philomena is a real woman who was forced to give up her son and did not mention it for fifty years. She was also helped by Martin Sixsmith and they did indeed discover the thing that they discovered in the film. (No spoilers here.) The only thing that was fabricated was that in real life Philomena did not make the trip to America with Martin but followed his progress through phone calls.

Do you need to see Avengers Assemble before seeing Thor: The Dark World? Not really no. So long as you know that Thor is from another world, has an evil brother, and pines for Natalie Portman who is living on Earth then you’re all set.

Natalie Portman Thor wellies? Not so much a question but an oddly frequent request. Here you go perverts:

Portman Wellies

Do you like Doctor Who? Yes thanks, as does Kat, but we didn’t care much for the latest Christmas special. Stephen loathes it though if you’d prefer a balanced view.

Why do people like Doctor Who so much? It is scary, funny, and has a lot of heart. Also, Jenna Coleman is hot.

I don’t get Doctor Who He’s a centuries old alien who travels through time in a spaceship the shape of a police telephone box. The box is massive on the inside and he only has a limited number of lives which was recently reset due to receiving new regeneration energy via a rift in space from his home plant. He likes to travel with an assistant who is normally young, female, attractive and human. What’s not to get?

What is premise of How I Met Your Mother? I’ll take this slow for you. A man. Is telling his kids. How he met their mother. Admittedly he takes his sweet time but it’s not that hard to understand. Maybe they confused you by writing the title in the second person?

Is Lily in How I Met Your Mother bisexual? From the HIMYM wiki: “Lily could be bisexual, this could be proven as she said in one episode that she wants to have a lesbian experience, and that she told Robin she had a great ass. She also admitted to having some romantic dreams about Robin. It stated that whenever she drink martinis she wants to make out with Robin and she has dreams about her when she’s pregnant.”

What are Tim Burton’s Batman movies? Batman and Batman Returns. Now let me introduce you to IMDb, it will save us both some time.

Was The Strangers movie connected to The Cabin in the Woods? Not any more than every other horror film ever made. In many ways The Cabin in the Woods provides an alternative way to watch The Strangers in a non-canon way and those masks are awfully similar…

The Cabin in the Woods The Strangers

What team does Nicholas Hoult support? You asked this last year and I still don’t know. I have tweeted him to ask so we’ll just have to wait and see.

Where does Nicholas Hoult stay at in California? How would I know and why do you care? Stop trying to stalk Nicholas Hoult and get yourself a nice boyfriend instead.

What’s new pussycat? Not much thanks.

What’s the film called that was released on boxing day in 2012? How specific! Grabbers, Jack Reacher, Midnight’s Children, Parental Guidance, Safety Not Guaranteed, and Zaytoun.

What has happened to Cameron Crowe? Since you asked last year he has written and directed a film starring Emma Stone, Bradley Cooper, and Rachel McAdams. I’m hoping for another Almost Famous and not another We Bought a Zoo.

What certificate is Pulp Fiction? 18 for strong violence, sex references and hard drug use.

Who did Jon Cryer play in Clarissa Explains it AllHe was never in it but a lot of people seem to think he looks like a grown up Ferguson.

Who are Matt Smith’s parents? There’s a Doctor Who pun to be had but I will ignore it. You can find his mum on Twitter, she likes “all things Fabulous”.

Who is Edgar Wright dating? Not Anna Kendrick. That’s as deep as my knowledge goes.

Social concern about Jurassic Park? Well the first thing to worry about is the misuse of science. The second is OH MY GOD THE DINOSAURS ARE ALIVE AND TRYING TO EAT MY FACE!!!

Rupert Grint’s acting ability? On average about 6.32 out of 10. Source

rupert grint chart

Why is David Cameron such a prick? His upbringing perhaps? Or something to do with having to live with that face 24/7.

Why does Mama DVD have no extras? They’ve put them all on the Blu-Ray to try to make you buy that instead. That aside the film is AWFUL so why are you even buying it?

He loves me he loves me not He loves you!

Is there an alpha gibbon? Yes.

Dancing as a metaphore for freedom in 1984 Footloose First of all that is not how you spell metaphor. Second of all… yes. Footloose is clearly a subtle adaptation of George Orwell’s 1984.

Is Simon Bird in Plebs? No. The lead actor is Tom Rosenthal who stars in Friday Night Dinner with Simon Bird so you were close.

Lead female in Philomena? Seriously?! Who is the lead in Philomena?! Dame Judi Dench you ignorant fool!

Movie with yellow Volkswagen Well Little Miss Sunshine and Footloose both feature a prominent yellow VW. Were either of those what you were thinking?

When is Me Myself and Mum in general release in the UK? Still no idea which is a shame as it was the best film I saw last year. You can get it on DVD though.

Who was Andy Dick’s character in Laputa: Castle in the Sky? He voiced Henri. For future reference let me introduce you to the Internet Movie Database. You’ll love it.

I thought I’d finish by answering a question nobody asked; just what proportion of search terms related to Michael Fassbender’s appendage? The answer is below:

Out Now – 23rd August 2013

We're the Lovelace Park

This week your local cinema is receiving a fresh dose of porn stars, strippers, drug smugglers, and dinosaurs. This list is not exhaustive because some distributors are bad at making information readily available online and I am lazy. Good luck out there.

Elysium
Social commentary in the form of a sci-fi action flick as Matt Damon sets out to bridge the gap between the wealthy citizens who live on a space station and everyone else forced to live on Earth in a dystopian future (yes, another one) when Earth looks a lot like it did in Wall-E. Go to the cinema, pay £10 for a ticket and spend another £10 on snacks and sit back and cheer on the poverty-stricken. You make me sick.

The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones
Erm… a series of young adult books I was previously unaware of have been adapted into a film. Let’s have a peek at the synopsis: “Clary Fray learns that she descends from a line of warriors who protect our world from demons. She joins forces with others like her and heads into a dangerous alternate New York called Downworld.” So Buffy then?

We’re the Millers
Funny story; I hate this film. An excerpt from my review: “Good grief”. That pretty much sums it up.

What Maisie Knew
What looks to be an incredible family drama about a girl caught between her parents’ as they struggle through a custody battle and start to date young attractive blondes. I know this all sounds a little dry but the trailer may change your mind:

Lovelace
Amanda Seyfried plays a porn star! Woooooooo! A porn star who was emotionally abused by her husband! Yeah, feel a bit guilty now don’t you? Interestingly none of the poster quotes call her performance brave. Is nudity worth nothing any more!?

Jurassic Park 3D (IMAX only)
It has been 20 years since Jurassic Park was first released and now it is back in 3D and only at the IMAX. I love the film with a real passion but am wary about this endeavour if only because I worry that decades old CGI may not look so great when stretched across the largest screens we have.

The Dyatlov Pass Incident (limited release)
“Five young filmmakers retrace the steps of a doomed group of hikers in pursuit of an unsolvable mystery.” Why would anyone pursue an unsolvable mystery? That will only lead to frustration and infighting. Much better to pursue a solvable mystery such as “how much is that doggy in the window” or “is this fence electrified”.

The Kings of Summer (limited release)
I’ll let our intern Mark Kermode handle this one:

Consider this a blanket “yes” to anyone who wants to invite me to see this with them. I will allow you to put your arm across my shoulders and maybe a kiss on the cheek.

Hipster Guide to Summer Cinema – August Edition

Hipster Guide to Summer Cinema - August Edition

We’re well into summer now and have experienced two months of quality hipster cinema so far this year. It’s not over yet! There is a whole month left in which to hide from the hellish sun, shelter in the shade of your nearest independent cinema, and fill your face with organic snacks while you watch anything other than One Direction – This Is Us.

2nd August 2013
From Up On Poppy Hill

If there is one studio a self-respecting hipster can actually allow themselves to get excited about it is Studio Ghibli with their array of distinctly non-Disney animated Japanese cinema. The latest from this master studio, directed by Goro Miyazaki, follows a group of Yokohama teenagers whose clubhouse is under threat of destruction as Japan prepares for the 1964 Olympic games. With the rest of the UK still basking in the glow of London 2012 what better than to watch a film where the Olympics are the bad guys?

Only God Forgives
Remember Drive? Remember how classy it was, how amazing Ryan Gosling was, and how sweet Carey Mulligan seemed? Now remember the bit with the head in the lift, and the wrist in the garage? All that tension and artistry punctuated by extreme bloody violence was courtesy of director Nicolas Winding Refn. Well Ryan and Nicolas are back with more tension, more violence, and more neon colours. I’m readying to flinch already.

7th August 2013
Alan Partridge Alpha Papa

The character of Alan Partridge was born in 1992 in the form of the host of BBC Radio 4’s Knowing Me, Knowing You… with Alan Partridge and 21 years later (mathematical!) he finally gets his own feature film. A Radio 4 character in a film? I think we all know that this fulfils any hipster’s requirements. You may need to overlook Mid Morning Matters with Alan Partridge as that was sponsored by Foster’s and may fall within the definition for the Hipster repellent sin of… SELLING OUT. The trailer makes me laugh every time I see it. Hipsters can laugh right?

14th August 2013
Kick-Ass 2

Should I include Kick Ass 2 in this list? Surely Super is the true hipster superhero film or even the Michael Rapaport-starring indie flick Special if you want to get even more obscure. Regardless of these smaller titles Kick Ass is certainly a different beast to the more established caped crusaders. With Kick Ass we’re not necessarily getting realism but actions most definitely have consequences and there is proper violence, proper swearing, and a comic book you are slightly more likely to have actually read as the source material.

23rd August 2013
Jurassic Park 3D

You can tell I was struggling for films to fill this list when I had to include a 3D film. Jurassic Park is a classic made of pure undiluted entertainment. Where the film truly succeeds is in making dinosaurs look real way before such a feat was commonplace and in making being a mathematician seem sexy. Has any mathematician anywhere ever been as cool as Jeff Goldblum? Plus the lawyer gets eaten as he hides on the toilet, which is satisfying for everyone to watch. If we’re really lucky they might do 2D screenings so we can smugly tell everyone that we are actively not watching it in 3D and pat ourselves on the back. Ever wondered what a hipster dinosaur looks like?

Lovelace
Amanda Seyfried is about to give one of those stark naked “brave” performances as she shakes free of her Mamma Mia! fame and plays a porn star famous for her role in a blue movie all about… erm… ahem… a lady who likes to please. I imagine this as being in the vein of Boogie Nights with a smorgasbord of bell bottom jeans and bare bottomed genes followed by everything going horribly wrong. Nudity and tragedy – the perfect evening out!

30th August 2013
Upstream Color

Words cannot describe how baffled this film left me when I saw it recently. Sadly at some point I will have to find some words that can and write what we call a “film review”. Writer/director/star Shane Carruth has only made one previous film, the indie time travel masterpiece Primer, so expectations are high for his follow-up. All I will say for the moment is that this film does not make it easy for the audience. The plot is (possibly) non-linear and the stark dialogue and mostly silent scenes leave no room for exposition. If you asked me to explain the plot now you would neither understand nor believe me. Truly baffling and just waiting to be embraced by a hipster weary of the straightforward and the mainstream.

Out Now – 23rd September 2011

Pray for a rainy weekend as there is a lot to stay indoors and watch this weekend. Forget lazing in the sunshine, now’s the time to get to your local independent cinema and give yourself over to the silver screen.

Drive
The first film this week making everyone #gayforgosling is a rarity: an art-house action film. As such this film about a stuntman/getaway driver should please everyone. Can’t wait to set my eyeballs on it.

Crazy, Stupid, Love.
The second film this week making everyone #gayforgosling is a rarity: a romantic comedy the critics like. As such this film about a father’s life unravelling should please everyone. Can’t wait to set my eyeballs on it.

Page One: A Year Inside the New York Times
The title pretty much explains it all. An in-depth, if pretty stale, documentary about the New York Times.

Killer Elite
“When his mentor is taken captive, a retired member of Britain’s Elite Special Air Service is forced into action. His mission: kill three assassins dispatched by their cunning leader.” This rings a bell for some reason….

Jurassic Park
One of cinema’s blockbuster classics gets a digital re-release. Worth it for Goldblum alone.

Soul Surfer
I could have sworn this based-on-a-true-story film about a girl returning to surfing after losing an arm came out years ago. I’d make a crude joke about giving my right arm to see this film, but she lost her left. Shame.

Mademoiselle Chambon (limited release)
A man becomes a substitute teacher at the request of his son’s teacher. In true French fashion he falls in love with her. Parent’s evening is going to be awkward.

Tucker & Dale vs Evil (limited release)
Very promising looking horror comedy featuring funny men Alan Tudyk and Tyler Labine and sexy lady Katrina Bowden. Worth a look I reckon.

Newsreel 1 (limited release)
“Newsreel is a series of movies about London. They do not have spoken word or titles. There are sounds of people, songs, streets and rivers, pictures of movement, buildings, performance and prayer.” Blimey.

Ultrasuede: In Search of Halston (limited release)
Documentary about “the clothes, the glamour and the decadence of iconic fashion designer Halston.” Hey look, Billy Joel.

The Tapes (limited release)
“Fame-hungry Gemma asks her boyfriend Danny and his media student mate Nathan to film her Big Brother audition. They hear about a sex party and change course, but soon wish they hadn’t as the party goers turn out to be devil worshippers.” Best. Synopsis. Ever.