Infrequently Asked Questions 2012

Shame Full Frontal

People of the internet find Mild Concern through a wide variety of search terms and one of the more curious ways I spend my time is keeping an eye on what people Google to end up on this humble blog. I do feel sorry for a large number of Googlers when I can see that they aren’t going to find what they searched for here.

By far the most popular unsuccessful search the film fans of the world embarked on was trying to find some images of the nudity in Shame. They wanted to see Michael Fassbender and, to a lesser extent, Carey Mulligan in the all-together and were surely disappointed to find not a single bit of genitalia on display. I apologise to you, the internet, and to make it up to you I will now answer a selection of questions people entered into Google in 2012 which led them erroneously to Mild Concern. Now if they do their search again their questions will be answered.

All of these questions are genuine, and tell you a lot about the world today…

Is The Skin I Live In in English? No, it is in Spanish and is not for the squeamish.

How old is Yoda’s actor now? Frank Oz is 68.

Is that a wig? No, my hair is all natural.

Is there nudity in 388 Arletta Avenue? No. It does contain “one scene of strong gore and horror”.

How many times is “Harry Potter” said in the movies? I counted 107 but then I did fall asleep a lot.

Is Die Hard a survival movie? I guess so… although I’d say a survival movie would be someone battling against nature or the supernatural not Alan Rickman with a dodgy accent.

Is Cool Runnings a Christmas film? It is in my family.

Why is Rupert Giles called Ripper? Giles gained the nickname Ripper in his younger days when dabbling in the dark arts with five friends. Presumably it is an allusion to Jack the Ripper.

When is Fast Girls out on DVD? It’s out! Sorry we didn’t get to this question sooner.

Where was We Built a Zoo filmed? We Bought a Zoo was filmed in California.

Heroes Season 3 what is with Claire’s hair? Hayden Panettiere cut her hair and so had to wear a terrible, terrible wig.

What is the twist in Cabin in the Woods? There isn’t one.

What episodes of Misfits have sex in them? A lot of them so I wouldn’t watch if you’re too prudish nor skip any episode for fear of a sex deficit.

What football team does Nicholas Hoult support? I don’t know. I’m really sorry.

Who is on the front of After Porn Ends? Mary Carey

Why do people like Doctor Who? It is scary, funny, and has a lot of heart. Also, Karen Gillan is hot.

Is the Life of Pi film made not in non 3D? It was made in 3D so… yes? 3D is not in non 3D.

Why don’t people like Dr Who? They find it childish, silly, and irritating? Stephen knows.

Does After Porn Ends have nudity? Yes. Not one for the family.

How big is Kevin Smith’s fan base approximately? He has over 2 million Twitter followers and one fan who thinks I am a parasite.

How violent is Sightseers? Violent in short bursts with plenty of blood and caved-in skulls. All the deaths are swift though, this is no Hostel.

What happened to Cameron Crowe? He returned! With We Bought a Zoo and Pearl Jam Twenty. I saw neither.

How accurate is Lawless movie? It doesn’t matter, the film is boring as hell.

Is Ethan Hunt married in Ghost Protocol? Yes, to Julia Meade played by Michelle Monaghan.

Is Michael Cera mean? He seems lovely.

Is NOW TV worth it? Certainly not. Though they provide lots of lovely cocktails.

What is the guy’s name from Footloose that plays on Third Rock from the Sun? John Lithgow

Where can I see the complete pilot episode of BBC Lizzie and Sarah? Nowhere legal I’m afraid. Ask your most internet savvy friend and see if they can help.

Is there a disorder consisting of rape, dismembering, necrophilia, and cannibalism? I don’t think that is a disorder. That is you doing unthinkable sexual things to someone before and after killing them and then eating the remains. GET HELP!

How violent is the film I, Anna? “In one scene of violence a man and woman fight before a heavy ornament is used to strike a blow to the head. In another scene the victim of a violent death is found lying on a heavily bloodstained carpet with a bloodied face.”

What is pyjamas party? Attractive young women spend the night together gossiping, playing games, and fighting with pillows in slow motion and skimpy pyjamas. That or you stay up all night watching films at the Prince Charles cinema.

What’s the film about couple gets handcuffed together at a music festival? You Instead

I hope that clears things up. (If you want to see Fassbender’s penis Google will show it to you. The thing terrifies me.)

Kevin Smith vs. The Critics

After receiving a mauling from critics for his previous film, Cop Out, Kevin Smith is determined to get his own back during the release of his new film, Red State. I haven’t seen Cop Out but considering it was a buddy cop comedy starring Bruce Willis and Tracey Morgan I’m not about to go disputing its 19% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

After buying the rights to US distribution for the film from himself for $20, snubbing distributors who had turned up to the auction, Smith planned to tour the film personally around the US. It now looks like he’ll be giving the US public access to his film via Video On Demand and then a regular DVD release through Lions Gate Films. One thing he won’t be doing is letting the press see it for free.

Kevin Smith is a firm believer that only his fans should see his films for free, not critics who will judge it objectively (or as near as possible) before then promoting it for free in all the media outlets that cover film releases. This all became perfectly clear on Monday when he turned his sights on the UK film critics.

Outside of the US, Smith took a less hands-on approach and sold distribution rights. In the UK this was to eOne, a distributor yet to realise the brilliance of Mild Concern. On Monday night, hours before a scheduled press screening of Red State, Kevin Smith caught wind on Twitter of UK critics about to attend and promptly called eOne to cancel. The screening was “postponed” so that he could kick various critics from the guest list in place of fans willing to enjoy anything he puts out, regardless of quality.

As I mentioned we aren’t on eOne’s mailing list and weren’t invited to the screening but we do pity any company who paid for the rights for a film but aren’t being allowed to promote it. Fans can only help a film so much, there is a point where blind praise becomes harmful and a 3-star rating in the Telegraph will get more bums on seats than a sycophantic review on a film nut’s blog. (cough)

If you make a bad film you open yourself up to bad reviews and for a film there is no greater publicity than a glowing review in all forms of press. Kevin Smith can do what he likes with his films and fair play to him for bypassing the usual distribution system, but eOne should not have to deal with his meddling when their job is to create a buzz about his new film. They say all publicity is good publicity but I don’t even know what the film is about.

Critics are important, it’s why they’re put on posters rather than a tweet sent to the director. Don’t get mad at the critics Kevin Smith, and eOne… send us an email.

ETA: For details of things we got wrong, see the angry comment below…