Infrequently Asked Questions 2013

Michael Fassbender Pianist

Following the success of last year’s Infrequently Asked Questions I have decided to repeat the exercise in the hopes of satisfying lost Googlers. The concept is simple, I trawl through all the search terms from 2013 that lead to this site and answer any questions people had that they would not have found the answer to on Mild Concern. The only questions I will ignore are people looking for various actors in a state of undress; there is a limit to what I will do for hits.

As with last year the most popular search query was people searching for nude pictures of Michael Fassbender, pictures that sound very similar to how you might describe the above picture… For the full stats on that particular search term see the pie chart at the end of this post.

Did the actors play their instruments in A Late Quartet? The cast studied their instruments to at least look like they were playing them but no, it is not their playing that you hear in the film.

Anyone know the sunglasses Giovanni Ribisi wore in Gangster Squad? Not entirely sure but he is the face of Barton Perreira eyewear. Apparently.

Are there snakes in The Hunger Games? Look carefully in the credits and you’ll find Jonwilder Lee Bartlett credited as “snake wrangler”. But can I remember any snakes? No.

Does After Porn Ends show nudity? Yes. You all asked this last year. IT IS A FILM ABOUT PORN STARS!!!

Does Claire wear a wig in Lost? Not at first but in flashbacks she certainly does and from memory she wears one on the island in later years. Sometimes an actress cuts her hair. Things happen.

How much swearing is in Philomena? Let’s ask the BBFC: “There are two uses of strong language (‘f**k’). Milder language includes the terms ‘bloody’, ‘crap’; ‘fecking’, ‘shit’, ‘shite’ and ‘tits’.”

How much of Philomena is based on fact? Most of it. Philomena is a real woman who was forced to give up her son and did not mention it for fifty years. She was also helped by Martin Sixsmith and they did indeed discover the thing that they discovered in the film. (No spoilers here.) The only thing that was fabricated was that in real life Philomena did not make the trip to America with Martin but followed his progress through phone calls.

Do you need to see Avengers Assemble before seeing Thor: The Dark World? Not really no. So long as you know that Thor is from another world, has an evil brother, and pines for Natalie Portman who is living on Earth then you’re all set.

Natalie Portman Thor wellies? Not so much a question but an oddly frequent request. Here you go perverts:

Portman Wellies

Do you like Doctor Who? Yes thanks, as does Kat, but we didn’t care much for the latest Christmas special. Stephen loathes it though if you’d prefer a balanced view.

Why do people like Doctor Who so much? It is scary, funny, and has a lot of heart. Also, Jenna Coleman is hot.

I don’t get Doctor Who He’s a centuries old alien who travels through time in a spaceship the shape of a police telephone box. The box is massive on the inside and he only has a limited number of lives which was recently reset due to receiving new regeneration energy via a rift in space from his home plant. He likes to travel with an assistant who is normally young, female, attractive and human. What’s not to get?

What is premise of How I Met Your Mother? I’ll take this slow for you. A man. Is telling his kids. How he met their mother. Admittedly he takes his sweet time but it’s not that hard to understand. Maybe they confused you by writing the title in the second person?

Is Lily in How I Met Your Mother bisexual? From the HIMYM wiki: “Lily could be bisexual, this could be proven as she said in one episode that she wants to have a lesbian experience, and that she told Robin she had a great ass. She also admitted to having some romantic dreams about Robin. It stated that whenever she drink martinis she wants to make out with Robin and she has dreams about her when she’s pregnant.”

What are Tim Burton’s Batman movies? Batman and Batman Returns. Now let me introduce you to IMDb, it will save us both some time.

Was The Strangers movie connected to The Cabin in the Woods? Not any more than every other horror film ever made. In many ways The Cabin in the Woods provides an alternative way to watch The Strangers in a non-canon way and those masks are awfully similar…

The Cabin in the Woods The Strangers

What team does Nicholas Hoult support? You asked this last year and I still don’t know. I have tweeted him to ask so we’ll just have to wait and see.

Where does Nicholas Hoult stay at in California? How would I know and why do you care? Stop trying to stalk Nicholas Hoult and get yourself a nice boyfriend instead.

What’s new pussycat? Not much thanks.

What’s the film called that was released on boxing day in 2012? How specific! Grabbers, Jack Reacher, Midnight’s Children, Parental Guidance, Safety Not Guaranteed, and Zaytoun.

What has happened to Cameron Crowe? Since you asked last year he has written and directed a film starring Emma Stone, Bradley Cooper, and Rachel McAdams. I’m hoping for another Almost Famous and not another We Bought a Zoo.

What certificate is Pulp Fiction? 18 for strong violence, sex references and hard drug use.

Who did Jon Cryer play in Clarissa Explains it AllHe was never in it but a lot of people seem to think he looks like a grown up Ferguson.

Who are Matt Smith’s parents? There’s a Doctor Who pun to be had but I will ignore it. You can find his mum on Twitter, she likes “all things Fabulous”.

Who is Edgar Wright dating? Not Anna Kendrick. That’s as deep as my knowledge goes.

Social concern about Jurassic Park? Well the first thing to worry about is the misuse of science. The second is OH MY GOD THE DINOSAURS ARE ALIVE AND TRYING TO EAT MY FACE!!!

Rupert Grint’s acting ability? On average about 6.32 out of 10. Source

rupert grint chart

Why is David Cameron such a prick? His upbringing perhaps? Or something to do with having to live with that face 24/7.

Why does Mama DVD have no extras? They’ve put them all on the Blu-Ray to try to make you buy that instead. That aside the film is AWFUL so why are you even buying it?

He loves me he loves me not He loves you!

Is there an alpha gibbon? Yes.

Dancing as a metaphore for freedom in 1984 Footloose First of all that is not how you spell metaphor. Second of all… yes. Footloose is clearly a subtle adaptation of George Orwell’s 1984.

Is Simon Bird in Plebs? No. The lead actor is Tom Rosenthal who stars in Friday Night Dinner with Simon Bird so you were close.

Lead female in Philomena? Seriously?! Who is the lead in Philomena?! Dame Judi Dench you ignorant fool!

Movie with yellow Volkswagen Well Little Miss Sunshine and Footloose both feature a prominent yellow VW. Were either of those what you were thinking?

When is Me Myself and Mum in general release in the UK? Still no idea which is a shame as it was the best film I saw last year. You can get it on DVD though.

Who was Andy Dick’s character in Laputa: Castle in the Sky? He voiced Henri. For future reference let me introduce you to the Internet Movie Database. You’ll love it.

I thought I’d finish by answering a question nobody asked; just what proportion of search terms related to Michael Fassbender’s appendage? The answer is below:

Mama – DVD Review

Mama

Once upon a time a father killed his wife and drove his car off the road with his two young daughters inside. The two young girls survive the crash, and a further attempt on their lives by their father, and live in the all too familiar cabin in the woods for five years before they are discovered by an incredibly inefficient search party. In the intervening years the girls have been cared for by a mysterious apparition they call Mama and have become feral in the manner that it more familiar in teenage boys than prepubescent girls. The girls move in with their uncle, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (Jaime Lannister to you and me), and his girlfriend, Jessica Chastain in unconvincing goth garb, and try to settle into regular life while Mama pays them visits and generally gets up in everyone’s business.

As a horror called “Bloody scary” by The Sun, “A superior supernatural shocker” by the Daily Express, and with Guillermo del Toro producing and “presenting” the film I was expecting the film leave me petrified. I am notoriously susceptible to horror films and have screamed my way through the weakest of scares but Mama did nothing for me. It elicits more yawns than screams and I was falling asleep towards the end. I realise I am prone to napping when films get too long but with a running time of just 100 minutes I should have been able to remain conscious throughout. I don’t mean to besmirch the good name of The Sun and the Daily Express but either their comments were taken out of context or they have a lower fear threshold than even me.

Mama 2

There are a few good creepy moments: The girls do some good creepy crawling and scuttling before they regain their ability to walk on two feet and there is a scene in which a flashbulb is used as a form of self-defence which reminded me of the only good moment in Apollo 18 which should otherwise be avoided at all costs. Mama herself is not an inherently scary figure. Her long reaching arms reminded me in a distraction fashion of an old Dead Ringers impression of Andrew Marr and a lot of the time the family seemed to be haunted more by persistent damp than a benevolent spirit.

The ending was briefly a pleasant surprise before becoming slightly ridiculous; a brief glimmer of hope amongst a dark and dreary mess. I didn’t care about any of the characters so even if the film had managed to properly scare me I wouldn’t have actually been worried for their safety. Coster-Waldau came across as an ignorant fool while Chastain seemingly forgot how to act and it was hard to believe that she is currently at the peak of her Oscar nominated career. As for Guillermo del Toro… I once saw his name as a mark of quality but now it is as redundant as a foreword by Stephen Fry – every book has one and the quality is far from consistent.

Mama 1

Mama is available to buy on both DVD and Blu-ray from today. The DVD version of the film has no extras to speak of whereas the Blu-ray features a commentary, various featurettes, and the original short film. I’d say this would be a reason to go for the Blu-ray but honestly you’d be better off buying Pan’s Labyrinth instead as it is both better and cheaper.

One best left as a last resort watch. Writer/director Andrés Muschietti has a lot to learn.

Out Now – 22nd February 2013

Cloud Cloud Cloud Atlas Atlas Atlas

Cloud Atlas
Six stories spanning hundreds of years and half a dozen genres. What connects the stories? You’ll have to find out for yourself. Opinions are split but for what it’s worth I gave the film five stars.

Song for Marion
A pensioner joins an “unconventional” choir in order to honour his dead wife’s passion for performing. The film is PG so the unconventional nature of the choir is limited to pensioners singing about sex.

Mama
All I will say about this film is that its ad on IMDb keeps expanding and getting my way. You have pissed me off Mama!

Lore (limited release)
“As the Allies sweep across Germany, Lore leads her siblings on a journey that exposes them to the truth of their parents’ beliefs. An encounter with a mysterious refugee forces Lore to rely on a person she has always been taught to hate.” Stephen is totally reviewing this for us… right?

To the Wonder (limited release)
A new film from Terrence Malick which promises to have 100% fewer dinosaurs than his most recent output. The plot seems to involve people experiencing emotions and a relationship getting complicated.

Breath of the Gods (limited release)
Documentary tracing the origins of modern yoga. I wouldn’t bend over backwards to see this one. lol

Fire In The Blood (limited release)
Another five-star film according to silly old me. This documentary exposes large pharmaceutical companies protecting their patents to such a degree that they prevent access to live-saving medicines for those who can’t afford it. This is an IMPORTANT FILM™

Crawl (limited release)
“A seedy bar owner hires a mysterious Croatian to commit murder, but a planned double-crossing backfires when a young waitress is taken hostage.” Australian horror. IMDb trivia includes: “The film was shot on location in 25 days.” Truly trivial.

The Road: A Story of Life & Death (limited release)
Documentary about people who, like me, live near the A5 in London but weren’t born in the city. Is this enough of a theme to tie the film together? No. Or at least I didn’t think so.

Kai Po Che (limited release)
“Three friends growing up in India at the turn of the millennium set out to open a training academy to produce the country’s next cricket stars.” Indian cricket cinema is such an overlooked genre.

Before Dawn (limited release)
British horror about a couple whose holiday is disrupted by the living dead. Center Parcs has really gone downhill recently.