Infrequently Asked Questions 2012

Shame Full Frontal

People of the internet find Mild Concern through a wide variety of search terms and one of the more curious ways I spend my time is keeping an eye on what people Google to end up on this humble blog. I do feel sorry for a large number of Googlers when I can see that they aren’t going to find what they searched for here.

By far the most popular unsuccessful search the film fans of the world embarked on was trying to find some images of the nudity in Shame. They wanted to see Michael Fassbender and, to a lesser extent, Carey Mulligan in the all-together and were surely disappointed to find not a single bit of genitalia on display. I apologise to you, the internet, and to make it up to you I will now answer a selection of questions people entered into Google in 2012 which led them erroneously to Mild Concern. Now if they do their search again their questions will be answered.

All of these questions are genuine, and tell you a lot about the world today…

Is The Skin I Live In in English? No, it is in Spanish and is not for the squeamish.

How old is Yoda’s actor now? Frank Oz is 68.

Is that a wig? No, my hair is all natural.

Is there nudity in 388 Arletta Avenue? No. It does contain “one scene of strong gore and horror”.

How many times is “Harry Potter” said in the movies? I counted 107 but then I did fall asleep a lot.

Is Die Hard a survival movie? I guess so… although I’d say a survival movie would be someone battling against nature or the supernatural not Alan Rickman with a dodgy accent.

Is Cool Runnings a Christmas film? It is in my family.

Why is Rupert Giles called Ripper? Giles gained the nickname Ripper in his younger days when dabbling in the dark arts with five friends. Presumably it is an allusion to Jack the Ripper.

When is Fast Girls out on DVD? It’s out! Sorry we didn’t get to this question sooner.

Where was We Built a Zoo filmed? We Bought a Zoo was filmed in California.

Heroes Season 3 what is with Claire’s hair? Hayden Panettiere cut her hair and so had to wear a terrible, terrible wig.

What is the twist in Cabin in the Woods? There isn’t one.

What episodes of Misfits have sex in them? A lot of them so I wouldn’t watch if you’re too prudish nor skip any episode for fear of a sex deficit.

What football team does Nicholas Hoult support? I don’t know. I’m really sorry.

Who is on the front of After Porn Ends? Mary Carey

Why do people like Doctor Who? It is scary, funny, and has a lot of heart. Also, Karen Gillan is hot.

Is the Life of Pi film made not in non 3D? It was made in 3D so… yes? 3D is not in non 3D.

Why don’t people like Dr Who? They find it childish, silly, and irritating? Stephen knows.

Does After Porn Ends have nudity? Yes. Not one for the family.

How big is Kevin Smith’s fan base approximately? He has over 2 million Twitter followers and one fan who thinks I am a parasite.

How violent is Sightseers? Violent in short bursts with plenty of blood and caved-in skulls. All the deaths are swift though, this is no Hostel.

What happened to Cameron Crowe? He returned! With We Bought a Zoo and Pearl Jam Twenty. I saw neither.

How accurate is Lawless movie? It doesn’t matter, the film is boring as hell.

Is Ethan Hunt married in Ghost Protocol? Yes, to Julia Meade played by Michelle Monaghan.

Is Michael Cera mean? He seems lovely.

Is NOW TV worth it? Certainly not. Though they provide lots of lovely cocktails.

What is the guy’s name from Footloose that plays on Third Rock from the Sun? John Lithgow

Where can I see the complete pilot episode of BBC Lizzie and Sarah? Nowhere legal I’m afraid. Ask your most internet savvy friend and see if they can help.

Is there a disorder consisting of rape, dismembering, necrophilia, and cannibalism? I don’t think that is a disorder. That is you doing unthinkable sexual things to someone before and after killing them and then eating the remains. GET HELP!

How violent is the film I, Anna? “In one scene of violence a man and woman fight before a heavy ornament is used to strike a blow to the head. In another scene the victim of a violent death is found lying on a heavily bloodstained carpet with a bloodied face.”

What is pyjamas party? Attractive young women spend the night together gossiping, playing games, and fighting with pillows in slow motion and skimpy pyjamas. That or you stay up all night watching films at the Prince Charles cinema.

What’s the film about couple gets handcuffed together at a music festival? You Instead

I hope that clears things up. (If you want to see Fassbender’s penis Google will show it to you. The thing terrifies me.)

Out Now – 16th March 2012

21 Jump Street
A surprisingly well reviewed remake of the late 80s Johnny Depp comedy about cops sent undercover in a high school. A comedy remake starring Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum with a score of 85% on Rotten Tomatoes, who’d have thunk it?

We Bought a Zoo
Cameron Crowe finally returns from seven years of pretending that Elizabethtown never happened with a family friendly film about a family who buy a zoo complete with its own Scarlett Johansson. Coming from the man behind Almost Famous this is a little underwhelming.

Contraband
“To protect his brother-in-law from a drug lord, a former smuggler heads to Panama to score millions of dollars in counterfeit bills.” It sounds like a terrible idea to me but then this film stars Mark Wahlberg – a man who thought The Happening was a good idea (Zooey Deschanel was clearly tricked).

The Devil Inside
Fake documentary about a woman investigating exorcisms after her Mother kills three people while being… exorcised(?). This film having been universally panned by critics you’d be better off seeing The Last Exorcism for your fake-documentary-about-exorcism needs.

In Darkness (limited release)
A film I have seen and liked! Jews hide from Nazis in the sewers of a Polish city in a film I described as powerful, dark and ultimately beautiful. I also called it long and Polish but there we go.

Bill Cunningham New York (limited release)
I don’t know much about Bill Cunningham, noted veteran New York City fashion photographer, beyond the fact that he is eternally moving in a particularly snazzy animated gif. Anything else you need to know… go see this documentary and stop bugging me.

Once Upon a Time in Anatolia (limited release)
A group of men go out looking for a dead body on the Anatolian steppe. I have no idea why, Google it yourself. I don’t even know what the Anatolian steppe is. I don’t even know what a steppe is. State school education has failed me.

How to Re-Establish a Vodka Empire (limited release)
Bizarrely niche how-to guide or documentary following film director Dan Edelstyn as he tries to relaunch his great grandfather’s vodka empire.

We Bought a Zoo – Trailer and Pics

In April last year we were wondering what had happened to Cameron Crowe after his latest film Elizabethtown had a less than successful release. One month later we discovered he was planning on writing and directing We Built a Zoo and now a year and a bit later it has a new name (removing the possibility of a building montage) and we have a trailer:

 

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Well, it certainly looks like a heart-warming family film. Nice to see a film with animals in a zoo that don’t talk, we’ll just have to guess which is the sassy one.

Now if you fancy a lingering look at Matt Damon, Scarlett Johansson and some animals we’ve got you covered with some stills from the film. There’s even a few pictures of Crowe himself, proof he still exists: