Infrequently Asked Questions 2012

Shame Full Frontal

People of the internet find Mild Concern through a wide variety of search terms and one of the more curious ways I spend my time is keeping an eye on what people Google to end up on this humble blog. I do feel sorry for a large number of Googlers when I can see that they aren’t going to find what they searched for here.

By far the most popular unsuccessful search the film fans of the world embarked on was trying to find some images of the nudity in Shame. They wanted to see Michael Fassbender and, to a lesser extent, Carey Mulligan in the all-together and were surely disappointed to find not a single bit of genitalia on display. I apologise to you, the internet, and to make it up to you I will now answer a selection of questions people entered into Google in 2012 which led them erroneously to Mild Concern. Now if they do their search again their questions will be answered.

All of these questions are genuine, and tell you a lot about the world today…

Is The Skin I Live In in English? No, it is in Spanish and is not for the squeamish.

How old is Yoda’s actor now? Frank Oz is 68.

Is that a wig? No, my hair is all natural.

Is there nudity in 388 Arletta Avenue? No. It does contain “one scene of strong gore and horror”.

How many times is “Harry Potter” said in the movies? I counted 107 but then I did fall asleep a lot.

Is Die Hard a survival movie? I guess so… although I’d say a survival movie would be someone battling against nature or the supernatural not Alan Rickman with a dodgy accent.

Is Cool Runnings a Christmas film? It is in my family.

Why is Rupert Giles called Ripper? Giles gained the nickname Ripper in his younger days when dabbling in the dark arts with five friends. Presumably it is an allusion to Jack the Ripper.

When is Fast Girls out on DVD? It’s out! Sorry we didn’t get to this question sooner.

Where was We Built a Zoo filmed? We Bought a Zoo was filmed in California.

Heroes Season 3 what is with Claire’s hair? Hayden Panettiere cut her hair and so had to wear a terrible, terrible wig.

What is the twist in Cabin in the Woods? There isn’t one.

What episodes of Misfits have sex in them? A lot of them so I wouldn’t watch if you’re too prudish nor skip any episode for fear of a sex deficit.

What football team does Nicholas Hoult support? I don’t know. I’m really sorry.

Who is on the front of After Porn Ends? Mary Carey

Why do people like Doctor Who? It is scary, funny, and has a lot of heart. Also, Karen Gillan is hot.

Is the Life of Pi film made not in non 3D? It was made in 3D so… yes? 3D is not in non 3D.

Why don’t people like Dr Who? They find it childish, silly, and irritating? Stephen knows.

Does After Porn Ends have nudity? Yes. Not one for the family.

How big is Kevin Smith’s fan base approximately? He has over 2 million Twitter followers and one fan who thinks I am a parasite.

How violent is Sightseers? Violent in short bursts with plenty of blood and caved-in skulls. All the deaths are swift though, this is no Hostel.

What happened to Cameron Crowe? He returned! With We Bought a Zoo and Pearl Jam Twenty. I saw neither.

How accurate is Lawless movie? It doesn’t matter, the film is boring as hell.

Is Ethan Hunt married in Ghost Protocol? Yes, to Julia Meade played by Michelle Monaghan.

Is Michael Cera mean? He seems lovely.

Is NOW TV worth it? Certainly not. Though they provide lots of lovely cocktails.

What is the guy’s name from Footloose that plays on Third Rock from the Sun? John Lithgow

Where can I see the complete pilot episode of BBC Lizzie and Sarah? Nowhere legal I’m afraid. Ask your most internet savvy friend and see if they can help.

Is there a disorder consisting of rape, dismembering, necrophilia, and cannibalism? I don’t think that is a disorder. That is you doing unthinkable sexual things to someone before and after killing them and then eating the remains. GET HELP!

How violent is the film I, Anna? “In one scene of violence a man and woman fight before a heavy ornament is used to strike a blow to the head. In another scene the victim of a violent death is found lying on a heavily bloodstained carpet with a bloodied face.”

What is pyjamas party? Attractive young women spend the night together gossiping, playing games, and fighting with pillows in slow motion and skimpy pyjamas. That or you stay up all night watching films at the Prince Charles cinema.

What’s the film about couple gets handcuffed together at a music festival? You Instead

I hope that clears things up. (If you want to see Fassbender’s penis Google will show it to you. The thing terrifies me.)

Out Now – 16th September 2011

It’s a busy week this week and there’s at least one film worth getting excited about. Plenty to forget about too…

30 Minutes or Less
Jesse Eisenberg plays a pizza delivery boy forced to rob a bank with a bomb strapped to his chest. “Rated R for crude and sexual content, pervasive language, nudity and some violence.” Exciting stuff.

The Change-Up
Body-swap comedy starring Jason Bateman and Ryan Reynolds. I doubt this film brings anything new to this tired set-up but we are promised “a series of wildly complex difficulties”.

I Don’t Know How She Does It
A comedy about an amazing woman played by Sarah Jessica Parker. I bet they give her sums and she counts out the answer with her hoof. Burn!

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy
During the cold war Gary Oldman must find the soviet spy in the upper echelons of MI6. With a first class cast of British actors there is no reason not to see this. We quite liked it too.

You Instead
For no good reason two rock stars get handcuffed together, for no good reason they can’t get them off and for no good reason romance blossoms. It’s not all bad though, it has a good atmosphere and is an impressive feat. Have a look at our review.

Atrocious (limited release)
Yet another found-footage horror film. No idea what manner of ghoul gets the family in this rehash of a stale idea and I’m not about to find out.

Episode 50 (limited release)
Film crew who disprove the supernatural come across the real deal when filming their 50th episode. Minor variation on the found footage trope.

Tomboy (limited release)
French drama following a 10-year-old girl who chooses to introduce herself as a boy when she moves into a new neighbourhood.

Turnout (limited release)
“Our story follows George and Sophie, they’re saving money to go on their first holiday together, the deposit is paid, and they have two weeks left to pay the outstanding balance of £2,000. Sophie has entrusted George with her holiday savings and is keen to settle the debt with the travel agents. The only trouble is, unbeknown to Sophie, George is flat broke. In a vain attempt to raise cash, George uses Sophie’s holiday money to fund an ill judged deal.”

West Side Story (limited release)
We have the musical we were lacking last week with this re-release of the classic tale of love between members of rival gangs in New York.

You Instead – Review

At a musical festival two rock stars in the middle of an argument are handcuffed together by a mysterious man. Adam (Luke Treadaway) is the lead singer for a popular group while Morello (Natalia Tena) fronts a much newer band, now forced to perform their most important gig yet with an extra rock star in tow.

All other considerations aside this is a feat of film-making. Filmed over five days at last year’s T in the Park, film-makers had to contend with crowds, mud and all the complications a live music event brings with it. Any limitations this may have put on the production work in the film’s favour, the improvised dialogue and endless moments captured by chance lend the film a free-wheeling and natural feel. For a film where music is king the atmosphere this creates is indispensable, the joy of live music is the rough edges and all the edges are rough in this film.

Treadaway and Tena make for good leads, both likeable and convincing as the rock stars they’re portraying, and after her short shrift in the Harry Potter films it’s good to see Tena get a fully fledged character to play. The rest of the cast are perfectly suited to their roles and the T in the Park crowd make for the most convincing extras you’ll see in 2011.

With plenty of footage of live music, a great atmosphere and convincing cast it’s hard for the film to fail, the only aspect letting the side down is the plot. With this being billed as a romantic comedy I hope it isn’t spoiling things to suggest the two cuffed singers fall for one other. Sadly both Morello and Adam are both in relationships when the film begins, Adam to a vapid model (Ruta Gedmintas) but Morello to a perfectly nice guy played by Alastair Mackenzie (Monarch of the Glen‘s very own monarch and not the only Glen cast member in attendance).

It is the breakdown of these relationships and the blossoming of Adam and Morello’s that are not quite convincing. With the whole film spanning a couple of days the emotions seem a little irrational and characters just go along with the plot without complaint simply to make things easier. The plot failings are nicely hidden by the bells and whistles of the festival, but a few characters still feel painfully crowbarred in to soften the blow for any jilted lovers.

You Instead is like a good pop song, the emotions are all over the place and there’s no complex plot but it has a great atmosphere, is moving and exhilarating and you can’t help but get swept along.

You Instead is in cinemas 16th September 2011.

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